What Doesn't Kill You
by angelbreaker
Summary: Edward left, Jacob messed her about, even her mother dropped her. Well Bella isn't taking that, she's leaving to do her own thing. Bella is OOC in the first chapters but you'll see why. M for lots of swearing and drugs. NO LEMONS. R&R for continuance.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, so I wrote this because I was re reading New Moon and I found that I was really pissed at Bella for the way she reacted. Also I had to go see a counsellor recently (it's part of my course) and for some reason we got talking about a break up I had a few years ago…and these two things made me thing that Bella should be more angry, then I thought about Jacob…and well this is what happened. It's a little extreme but I sort of wanted to see where it will go. Tell me your thoughts because I'm not all that sure whether it's worth pursuing or not. Bella seems quite a lot OOC but there is a reason.**

**English people, think a bit like Effie from Skins, but angrier and with less girlie friends.**

**Also the song lyrics are terrible, but you get the point of them.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Or Skins.**

_Chapter One_

_He isn't going to like this. _Rosalie's thoughts came to Edward, with a mixture of fear and a certain amount of reluctant awe coming through in her thoughts, and he went downstairs to see what was going on.

_Quick he's coming. _Alice. He sped up. By the time he got to the living room his family were all standing around the television, yet it was switched off. All of them had a very neutral look, too neutral.

"What's going on?" Edward asked.

_Leave it Edward. _Alice pleaded with him. _Just leave it alone now._

He went around his family reading each of their thoughts. Some were more controlled than others: Esme was keeping this secret, but was incredibly worried about him, Jasper was focusing on Alice's face, Emmett seemed to be the only one that was very amused by whatever was happening, and there was a little bit of surprised pride about it, Carlisle's mind was blank and Rosalie didn't really seem to care all that much, staring out the window and wondering whether her family was ever going to stop with this annoyance.

He grabbed the remote from Rosalie's hands and clicked on the TV. It was on a music channel, and his smooth forehead wrinkled as he tried to make sense of this. None of his family moved, but they had all shouted a mental 'No!' as he had switched on the TV.

"Going back to our main story today," the music newsreader was saying "the hot new act on the circuit 'Once Bitten Never Shy' are exploding onto the scene with their single _'Not waiting'_. Their outrageous bad girl lead singer Bella Swan already hitting the headlines with crazy stunts such as coming onto stage via motorcycle through a flaming ring and her offstage on again off again relationship with notorious bad boy and bassist for the band boyfriend Rob Norton. I'm not sure what we'll be seeing from this new band but I can say at least from me, I'm excited, and this is not the last we'll be hearing from them. That's the news, and here's a sneak peek of their new video for their new hit single _'Venom'._

The screen went black, and then there was a heavy bass beat, followed by drums. The scene slowly began to appear, with Bella standing in a room full of mirrors, and it horrified Edward when he recognised the scene that she was recreating.

_Don't cry_

_I doubt you would_

_Even if I thought you could_

_It's all your fault_

_But you already knew that._

Edward noticed that she was wearing a very short plaid skirt and tights with holes in. She wore a black tank top that was ripped so high that Edward could see flashes of her blood red bra, and her hair was cropped into a short bob, dyed black with a multitude of colours in it. She was wearing heavy make up and her lip and nose were pierced. Fury ripped through him at the idea of his Bella showing off so much of her body just to everyone: he'd never seen so much of her before, even late at night in her room.

_Ice cold skin_

_Kisses like a lunar eclipse_

_You'll never guess_

_The venom hiding just behind those lips_

As she sang this bit she threw herself into the mirrors, and they smashed as she came into contact with them. As she fell to the floor, she camera was suddenly above her, lying in the broken glass.

_You're a monster_

_But not in the way you think_

_I feel so used_

_Was I nothing but a meal to you?_

There was a quick flash of the next part of the video, where a man appeared, and there was a close up on his blood red eyes, but then the video faded and the newsreader was back.

"It looks great doesn't it?" She grinned, and wrapped up the programme. Edward had seen enough. He looked around at his family, and saw from their thoughts that they hadn't heard the song before, either.

"That bitch!" Rosalie stood up. Edward shot her a warning growl. "Edward, can't you see what she's doing? She's pissed off we left and she's going to expose us! You can't tell me that song didn't have any familiar qualities to it?"

"Although I don't agree with the sentiment." Carlisle shot a disapproving look at Rosalie. "It has to be said, she does seem to be trying to catch our attention, Edward."

"Yeah, I sort of got that." Edward frowned. Above all else, he was worried about the idea that Bella was in a relationship with a notorious bad boy. What the hell does she think she is doing?

It was like a punch in the gut, her words were hardly subtle, and the meaning behind them was clear: the love of his life hated him. He'd fucked her up in a major way. It had been years since he saw her. Six to be exact and everyday had felt exactly like the first. It was the worst thing about being a vampire: emotions just wouldn't change.

"You've got to deal with this, Edward." Rosalie stood close to him, her perfect face incandescent with beauty. "You've got to stop her."

"I know." Edward said, staring at the TV screen.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Fuck!" Bella wiped her nose and came up from the table, picking up her cigarette. Rob grinned.

"You like that baby?" He asked.

"That's some good shit." She answered, shaking her head to clear her thoughts.

"Yeah, I know." Rob grabbed her hair and kissed her roughly. Bella kissed him back and then pushed him away.

"I've got to go." She told him.

"Aw baby, don't say that, I was thinking we could have a night in." He pouted, and then crawled back onto her.

"Not tonight." Bella told him, pushing him off again. "I've got stuff to do."

"What stuff?"

"Just fucking stuff! Things I have to do." Bella told him. "You can't come either so don't ask."

"Why not?" Rob was getting angry.

"For one thing it's going to be fucking sunny tomorrow!" Bella reminded him, gesturing out of the window. "For another thing I don't want you to come."

"Fine but I'm going to find out your secrets." Rob told her. "Love you Bells."

"Fuck off." Bella told him. "I'll see you tomorrow after the sun sets. We've got a gig."

"Yeah yeah I remember." Ron muttered. "Fuck off to your fucking secrets."

Bella had put her coat on, not that it covered much more of her than her top did. She stood by her car on the side of the road by some woods, getting more and more impatient.

"Bella." A small voice come from the woods.

"I won't bite you." She told him. "You can come out of the trees."

"Did you bring some clothes with you?"

"Fuck Jacob it's not like I haven't seen it all before." She reached into the backseat of her car and grabbed a bag, throwing it into the shadows. A minute later a clothed Jacob appeared. "Now what do you want? I haven't spoken to you since I left that deadbeat town."

"Everyone is worried about you, Bella. Seth and Leah are trying to help your dad out but he's devastated."

"Is that all?" Bella rolled her eyes. "For god sake Jacob don't you think I know? You'd think he'd be happy, he's got new kids who aren't fuck ups now." She shuddered to think that Seth and Leah were her step siblings.

"Then what the hell do you think you are doing?" Jacob was angry. Bella rolled her eyes again, unperturbed.

"I'm living my life, Jacob. I'm living it for me and I'm having fun. You should be proud of me."

"Bella, this isn't the only way."

"Oh, you sound just like my mother you know that? Everyone was all like 'Bella you need to go out and start living life' so I did and now everyone is pissed at me!" She walked away for a second, and spread her arms out. "You really should all be proud of me! I'm a success! My new single is going to be a number one hit just like my last one! I have the whole fucking world at my feet! I can do anything you're all bitching because I did it without any of you!"

"Bella, your songs are too risky." Jacob told her. "You're going to provoke someone."

"Like I care." Bella scoffed. "I write about my feelings, and I have a lot of those."

"But you're going to expose them." Jacob told her. "I was the one that told you about them, so you'll be breaking the treaty. You might get them in trouble, singing about your love-"

Bella was in his face, bearing her teeth. "I. Fucking. Hate. Edward. Cullen." She hissed at him. "Got it?" Jacob hung his head. "I'll sing about whatever I want, you had your chance, and you weren't so concerned about _his _feelings a few years ago when you were fucking my brains out every night of the week."

"Bella…"

"No, you wanted to talk, we talked." Bella told him. "I thought you were different, I thought you understood."

"I did understand." Jacob told her. "When it was driving motorcycles, and when it was getting off our faces on booze, but not when you're taking drugs and fucking strangers!"

Bella nodded. He was still pissed about that, it wasn't even like they were still together anymore when she did that. She was twenty one and she went to a bar and went home with someone, big deal. It happened to have been the best thing that ever happened to her, she got a record deal out of that night.

"Let it go, Jacob." Bella told him. "I'm going now, I've got stuff to do."

"Yeah I bet." He growled.

"You're one to talk, Jacob Black." She accused. "I've see some of the stupid shit you and your pack pull, at least you have people that understand you. That actually care whether you're happy or not."

"Would I be here if I didn't care?" Jacob snapped.

"No, if you cared you'd be at a bar with me living the good life, not sulking in the shadows trying to drag me off to somewhere I was miserable!"

"I want you to come home where people want to know you're safe!" Jacob told her. "People who love you!"

"Yeah?" Bella was angry, she approached him again. "People who love me, yeah? Like you?" She walked up to him, placing her hand on his chest and looking into his eyes. "You want to reignite things, then, Jake?" She looked around. "We're alone, come on, no one will notice." She grabbed him, running her hands over his arse and inhaling deeply. "No one has to know Jake, and you can take me right here, just like old times."

"Bella." Jacob said her name firmly, and held her away from him. "You know I can't."

"Oh yeah." Bella said, furious with him now. "That's right, you've got the fucking love of your life waiting for you at home, don't you?" She shook her head. "Good for you, Jake. Some of us aren't so lucky."

"Bella, please I still care about you!" Jacob told her. "You know it wasn't my fault! If I had the choice you know what would have happened!"

"Yeah, but where does that leave me?" Bella shouted at him. "You want me to come home, and watch you and your wife, and watch Charlie and his new wife, and everyone being perfectly fine without me? You want me to be miserable in a place where no one really needs me?" Bella shook her head. "I don't regret leaving, I'm living my own life and I'm doing well, thank you, I've got nice cars and nice houses and I can go, do, say and be anything I want."

"We both know that this isn't what you want." Jacob growled.

"You don't have the right to say that anymore." Bella told him.

"Are you high right now?" Jacob asked her, horrified.

"Fuck off Jacob." Bella ran to her car and slammed the door shut, the tires screeching as she drove off.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm glad that people are enjoying this story. I wasn't sure whether it was too AU or not, but as I've said, Bella just lay down and took it in the books, and that's just not right.**

**Review Responses**

**TWIMOM: I think she probably does still love Edward, but it's very true that there is a fine line between love and hate. I think that with everything that's happened to her, she's found that it's best just to run away from her problems, and I think in six years her defences will have got pretty strong. I'm glad you like my stories!**

**JMarie: I'm glad that you agree that she would be angry. It's just how I picture what a normal girl would do, and exactly what I think with the whole Jacob thing! If he had imprinted on her then he would have known by now! If there is no Renesmee there was going to be someone else it was just a matter of time and that's not fair on Bella. Plus, it's been six years, the reference to her being 21 was a night three years ago just after Jacob imprinted and she slept with a guy there: Jacob's still bitter about it even though he has no right to be. It was also the night that she left Forks to pursue a music career, although I think that even that was just an excuse to get away. Bella is twenty-four.**

_Chapter Two_

Bella wiped angry tears from her eyes as she drove. What the hell did Jacob think he was doing? Why should she go back to Forks, be miserable and just watch other people prancing around loving each other? He was so stupid. Couldn't he see she was happy here? There was nothing for her there. She wasn't the same Bella she had been, even she would admit that, but how much rejection did they all seriously think she was going to take? Her own mother rejected her for god's sake, to be with her new husband, when she was seventeen. She didn't run away. She took the hint.

She parked up by a dive bar and stalked into the place, sliding onto one of the bar stools and ordering a drink.

"Hey aren't you…" the bar man said.

"Yeah what about it." Bella cut him off irritably. The barman blinked a few times looking hurt and then went off to get her drink. She rolled her eyes, so now that she was famous she had to talk to everyone that recognised her? She wasn't in the mood. The barman put her drink in front of her and walked off without another word.

Bella took a sip, shutting her eyes and smiling.

"You know you weren't very nice to that guy." A bloke took the barstool next to her. "He was only doing his job."

Bella turned to him, smiling, eyeing the guy that had slipped in next to her. He was older than her, spiky black hair and green eyes wearing a black bomber jacket that belonged in the eighties, but almost pulled it off. He was cute, maybe he'd do. She turned back to her drink.

"That's the worst pick up line I've ever heard." She told him. "Seriously, is that your usual line?"

He grinned. "No, I just felt for the guy."

"Yeah." She said, suppressing her laughter. "Okay, he's a bar man and he was making me feel uncomfortable, his job is to make me feel at home." She uncrossed her legs and crossed them again.

"You look pretty at home to me." He told her. "All he did was recognise you."

"You going to make the same mistake?" She smiled at him again, raising her eyebrows.

"Not if the lady protests." He said. "But you're a recognisable girl, I'd have to work hard for it."

"Okay." She said.

"But at the same time I'm trying to pick up a girl." He told her. "And not knowing even the first thing about the music scene is not the chick getting ploy it once was."

For once Bella actually smiled for real, but she hid it well behind encouraging but detached amusement.

"Yeah, well it's the best ploy to get this chick." She told him, turning around to him. "At least it is for tonight."

"Well then, my name's Mike, what's yours?" He held out his hand, she shook it.

"Bella." She told him.

"So, Bella, what is it you do?" He asked ironically.

"You know you're pretty confident." She told him

"Why? Because I'm talking to a girl I don't know in a bar?" He grinned.

"Yeah sure." Bella took another sip from her drink.

****

Bella zipped up her boots and readjusted her skirt. Mike was watching her, still in bed.

"Well, see you around, Mike." She told him, leaving his room and closing the door with a click. She shook out her hair, she felt better. Getting drunk with some guy and going home with him always organised her thoughts.

It was a bright morning, the sunlight was strong. She skipped to her car which was in the shadows some under some trees, climbing in quickly, and shutting the doors, hiding behind her tinted windows. She stretched and checked herself in the rear view mirror, and then started the car to drive home.

It was nice, having a day all to herself. Rob wouldn't be around until tonight, if he knew what was good for him, and that meant she could do exactly what she wanted for the day.

Her house was open plan, and white, and had glass everywhere. She loved it, it was so different to Charlie's cramped cluttered little house. She'd bought it when she first got her contract, and with the contacts she'd made in the real estate business it had been a steal. She huffed a little as she thought of Jacob's reaction to her idea of 'making contacts'.

She threw down her bag and walked into her bedroom, which was really more of a balcony over the main room, and she loved it. She stripped and headed for the bathroom that was also up there, though that room actually had walls.

Her shower was large and in the middle of the room on a podium. It was her best idea ever. She stepped up onto the podium and switched the water on, the heat washing over her, clearing away the sweat and grease and the final bits of tension form the night before.

After her shower she was still a little bit worked up, the shower hadn't done it's job completely. How could Jacob just phone her like that and demand a meeting? She thought there was something actually wrong, but not, he'd turned up to bring her back.

_Yeah right._

Bella stretched again and sighed. Maybe it was time again. She packed a bag with her bikini and a towel, dressed and headed out.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

The water was nice, not that she was actually touching it. It was the perfect place, and she loved coming here. She was on a platform in the middle of a lake in the woods about half an hour out of Chicago. She just lay there in her sunglasses smoking a spliff. It was the greatest place to just go by herself and get high. She only came on sunny days and only when she really needed to get away.

It was completely silent and still, just her, the water and the woods. It was so peaceful to just lie there, in the middle of nowhere, no one to recognise her, no one to disapprove or hurt her.

She stayed until the sun started to sink behind the trees, and then decided it was time to go back. She jumped from the platform and began to swim back.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Edward couldn't believe it. He was in Chicago, and he had bought tickets to the Once Bitten Never Shy concert that was playing that night. He'd bought it weeks ago, even though it was an added gig due to demand, every other concert had been sold out for months. He was outside the venue, staring at a poster of the band, Bella was front and centre in the skimpiest dress that could ever be called clothing, and even that was ripped. His jaw locked in anger and jealousy. The bassist, her boyfriend (he still couldn't believe it) had his arm around her waist and was lifting her and pressing her to his side.

"She looks so hot." Alice sighed. "Why did she get her dress sense after we left?"

"Alice." Emmett warned her. Rosalie just crossed her arms and Jasper said nothing. Carlisle and Esme had opted out of coming, saying it wasn't really their scene. Like it was Edward's scene. Like it was Bella's.

What was she doing? He had agonised over this for weeks, imagining what she was at that particular moment. The music channel was rarely off, and he'd searched for her on the internet, and he'd bought the album, which she'd aptly called "Fu*k the Diamonds."

As if he needed such a thing to hate himself. Almost every song was written about him, and how much she hated him, or how everyone in her life had just screwed her over. There was one song that really stuck – it was about the reasons she had run away – which pretty much broke his heart. He knew it wasn't just him that had broken her, but he'd left her fragile and less able to take the pain.

He badly wanted to see her, he wanted to take her into his arms and tell her that she was his everything still, and no matter what he loved her, but he knew it was too late: Carlisle was right. She didn't want him anymore, any love she ever bore for him had been twisted into bitter hate, and he was going to have to deal with that. Any fantasies he had of this ending well was futile, he was going to have to talk to her, find a way to make her stop it, and then leave her again.

"Let's go, I want to be able to see." Alice said. Despite her worry for him, she was really excited, Edward knew. Bella and Alice were best friends, and not Bella was a superstar, even if every song was talking about her hatred for them.

"You go ahead." Edward told them. "I'm going to see whether I can catch her outside around the back."

"Okay." Alice said, after a look at Jasper to make sure that Edward was in the right mood to cope with the meeting. They went inside and left him on his own.

He ran around the back, avoiding the security. He saw some of the band sneaking a cigarette by the backstage doors. He recognised Rob Norton in jeans and a shirt with the arms cut off. He was positively huge, bigger than Emmett. Edward couldn't help examining him. He was blond and his hair was slicked back, and he had tattoos all up one arm. He was pale, surprisingly so.

Bella slammed out of the stage door and took the cigarette from him, taking a drag and exhaling moodily. There was a muttered conversation, but Edward was too stunned by her appearance, by the fact that she was there…

He saw what she was wearing first, a pair of jean hot pants and a bikini top, with a biker hat. She was also wearing a pair of platform boots. Then Edward saw something that made him made an involuntary gasp.

On her hand there was a tattoo, an intricate design around the bite mark that James had given her so long around. It shocked him, as she always had ignored it before.

Rob looked up, straight at his hiding place at the noise. Edward was confused; it was a noise that no human would have heard. He saw Rob's eyes, and their blood red irises and his eyes widened in shock. Bella noticed where he was looking, and squinted into the darkness, not seeing anything. They had a short conversation, and Bella shrugged, throwing the butt of the cigarette on the floor and walking back inside.

Edward was about to leave when he was accosted and slammed up against the trailer he was hiding behind. It was Rob, and he had lifted Edward off his feet.

"You're him, aren't you?" He sneered in an English accent, his eyes flashing in anger. "You're the guy."

"Yeah." Edward could think of nothing else to say. "I'm him." He struggled against the vampire's grip but it was too strong for him.

"No chance, pip squeak. I'm much stronger than your ordinary vampire. I bet I could even kick that brother of yours across a room." Rob told him. Edward stopped struggling. It was true, this guy was much stronger than even Emmett, who could in no way hold Edward like solidly when Edward was resisting. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing with Bella?" Edward asked him. "Stay away from her."

"Look, boy." He emphasised the word. "Bella knows what she's getting herself into. She knows what I am, she knows what I do and she does what she wants. You missed that little revelation from what I hear, all you and you're little freak family did was try to suppress her and make her live your pathetic life." He let go of Edward, and he fell back onto his feet, scowling at Rob. "I mean, animal blood? That's just sick, you deny yourselves everything and I deny her nothing."

"You kill people!" Edward told him. "You're nothing but a monster."

"Yeah. I am." Rob told him. "I'm a monster and I like it, it feels good. Bella knows that, she doesn't care."

"I won't let you hurt her." Edward growled.

"Does she look hurt to you?" Rob asked him. "Sorry, kid, she made her choice, so do everyone a favour and piss off back to whatever reserve you're living in now and go drink some rabbits or something. She actually has fun now, she's happy, all you did was fuck her up."

"What do you want from her anyway?" Edward asked. "You going to kill her?"

"You know I hadn't thought that far ahead." Rob told him. "She found me, she offered me all the blood and drugs I could ask for and she's a good fuck. I hadn't really thought any far ahead than that. Excuse me I've got a gig to play, groupies to eat."

"You carry on and you'll get the Volturi after her." Edward called after him

"Wouldn't be the first time those prats have been after me." Rob smiled, he went to leave again, and hesitated. "Look, maybe she doesn't get it, but I know you left her because you love her or whatever." Rob shrugged. "Part of the whole 'I'm a freak vampire who can't have what I want' thing that you've decided is a good idea. I get it, even if she doesn't, but if I ever see you anywhere around us again and I'll kill you." With that he walked away.

*****

"We've got to go." Edward found his family in the crowd.

"What happened?" Jasper asked, sensing his mood.

"You know Bella's 'bad boy' boyfriend." Edward spat that word. "He's a vampire, and not of our kind."

"WHAT!" Alice shouted. "What the hell does she think she's doing?"

"Oh come on Alice, you know what she's doing." Rosalie scoffed. "She's doing everything possible she can to get back at us."

"Whatever it is we've got to go." Edward told them.

"Why? I want to see Bella onstage!" Alice told him. "I need to see her now more than ever to make sure she's okay!"

"Yeah, Edward, it's just one vampire." Emmett cracked his knuckles. "I bet I could take him."

"Emmett, he sneaked up on _me_ and slammed me up against a wall." Edward told him. "He kept his mind blank when talking to me and could have very easily killed me without much effort at all."

"You're exaggerating." Rosalie scoffed. Edward shook his head.

"No." Edward told her. "The only reason I'm still standing is because he had a show to do." He didn't want to tell them the real reason.

"Look, Edward, we aren't leaving." Alice told him. "We're staying for the show and _then _we'll talk about this. I miss Bella too."

Edward looked into her eyes, and then nodded once.

"Fine, but afterwards I'm talking to Bella." He told them.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay, so addressing the idea of Rob. I'm thinking that she's reacting to Edward's rejection by finding a guy that is so completely his opposite that she can, but I think his character is going to be revealed a lot more later on. I remembered just now that Robert is the name of that actor that plays Edward in the films…but that was unintentional. Also I've modelled him on Spike from Buffy because I love Spike, and being English myself I feel an affinity towards him, even though James Marsters is American…**

**I've already written the last chapter to this story, so I know where it ends up, for better or worse, but the emotions and what happens in between are all still a mystery to me, I'm just writing it to see what happens to be honest. It does mean that if I have a review that intrigues me, it will affect the story in a way that it usually wouldn't with a story that already has the plot worked out.**

**Also, all of Bella's band's songs are probably going to be Blue October songs now, because I just love them and I'm listening to them whilst writing this (can't wait for the new album!!!!) Also, I'm not a song writer, if I was I wouldn't be writing stories… A lot of their songs just seem to apply, so…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight…or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Blue October…well except pretty much everything they've ever released, heh.**

**Review Replies**

**TWIMOM: I don't think Bella's being held against her will. In the first chapter it seemed like she was calling the shots…it's not revealed to me yet why she's with a human eating vampire, but he hasn't killed her yet and that speech to Edward was quite odd. I'd pegged her and Rob in a kind of Kate Moss/Pete Doherty kind of situation…I'm not sure whether Americans would get that and I'm not sure of an American comparison. Maybe Pamela/Tommy Lee? But that just doesn't seem close enough, but it's the best I can think of, Bella is not like Pamela. Also, she doesn't seem to be under his influence either, she slept with some guy at a bar you have to remember…we'll just have to see. I think the heartbreak is probably the best bet.**

**Bodah: Bella doesn't feed him, but she does sleep with him. He doesn't have mind control. He's stronger than Emmett and faster than Edward but no actual powers. She's just messed up I guess, perhaps he gives her comfort.**

The show started with a bang as the lights went out. Then the whole place was lit up by two columns of fire on each side of the stage, and the first bars of _Not Waiting_ struck up. Edward saw Rob on the stage, playing the bass as usual. Bella wasn't on stage yet, but her voice rang out the first lines of the song.

I try to stay on top of you  
To hold your body down  
Your shaking seems to hinder  
Every grasp that I have found

Then a spark flew up from the left flame and hit something in the ceiling, which turned out to be a cage which ignited, showing that Bella was inside.

Edward had to fight his first impulse on seeing Bella engulfed in flame, which was to scale the walls and get her out of there. Sensing this, Jasper quickly followed by Emmett held onto his arms so he couldn't.

"She'll be fine." Alice told him confidently. "It's all just for show." The cage descended and Bella was dancing in there, pretending to be burning.

Moving every inch around you  
To defuse your private bomb  
I stretch myself surrounding  
And protecting you from harm

I use a wallet for your mouth  
So when you bite you will not bleed  
I drilled a wire through my cheek  
And let it down and out my sleeve

And now you're pulling out the best of me  
Yeah which never ever comes  
This wires all thats left of me  
And its hooked within my gums  
Within my gums...

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

Its proof to show that I bleed for this  
And I'd cut myself to shame  
To get to know this masochist  
Who has stolen my first name

Pretending she's a teacher  
Holding all my weight at ease  
Yet the teacher seems to split in two  
Destroying both his knees

And now crawling I position myself  
Below your broken wings  
I lift your feathered left arm  
Where you hide your heart from me

I never noticed it was swollen  
With a touch of brutal pain  
I never knew a heart could live inside  
The rust from all your rain  
All your rain...

The cage descended lower and lower, until the bottom dropped out and she fell onto the stage. The music stopped and there was smoke coming from the spot she fell to. All was silence, until with another bang she was suddenly there, standing and singing her heart out. The fans went crazy.

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

I didn't think to bring a wash cloth  
Or to rub away the dirt  
Myself and I we share  
This barely beating heart of hurt

And when the hurt comes there's an argument,  
A fight to save a smile  
A small attack on human tears  
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;  
Yeah a vision I believe  
Where confidence is found  
Attached to wires on our sleeve

And where loneliness is history  
Told to pack his shit and leave  
And where guidance is a fortune  
Told to help in time of need

And were crying isn't secret  
It's the art of how we grieve  
And lessons are the key  
To every goal I will achieve  
I will achieve

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

So drill it, so drill it  
So hard  
I feel it

(Drilled a Wire Through my Cheek – Blue October)

Edward relaxed slowly, but as he watched his soul mate – he tried so hard, for years to call her his ex-girlfriend, but his mind simply wouldn't accept it, so to himself he referred to her as his soul mate, because, if he had a soul then it would belong entirely to her, but because he wasn't sure he did they could never be together- it sounded ridiculous even to him, but it made him feel better – as he watched her, a mixture of emotions went through him. First was pain, at the lyrics, at the way she sang them. He could see now that no matter how many times she sang the words that were born from the pain he'd inflicted, she felt it, it was clear that the hatred would never go away.

He felt that pain, but he also felt happiness: she'd moved on. She'd turned that pain that he loathed to give her and used it, and he was proud of her. She was stronger than she'd given herself credit for it. Then there was the obvious emotion, which was intensified by the pride: love. He loved her, he would forever and ever, at least now he could try and get over the guilt and the suicidal tendencies. He felt a certain amount of closure. Maybe not for his feelings for her, there would never be a second in which he didn't want her, but the way in which he destroyed her, the wound that that gave him started to heal a little bit, in a strange sad kind of way.

He felt bad emotions too. He felt fury at the way she was dressed, the way she was acting. Grief, because this wasn't his Bella, his love had changed her into something else, and they would never have those little intimate meetings in her little room in Forks, just kissing and enjoying each other's closeness again. Jealousy. Plenty of that. The crowd had gone mad when she'd jumped on Rob, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissing him. He'd held her with one arm and pushed his hands through her hair and then ran all the way up her leg. Emmett grabbed both of his arms at that point, not needing a cue from Jasper to know what Edward was feeling. It wasn't right: even without the whole vampire thing, he didn't treat her like a girl like Bella should be treated, or perhaps it was all for show, he didn't know. He didn't know much anymore.

"Well, my friends." Bella called out to the crowd. "Are we having fun tonight?" The crowed erupted and she laughed. "Yeah I thought so." The crowd laughed. "I'm having fun tonight. We are, right, Rob?" She looked over at him and he grinned. "Joey? You having fun?" The drummer threw his drum sticks in the air and did a little filler. "How about you, Kyle?" She walked up to the guitarist. "You're having fun, right?" She walked back to centre stage, totally at home. "Yeah, we're all having fun too. I'm liking this gig, I want to be everyone's friend. It's official, unless you've been told otherwise you're my friend." The whole crowd went wild and she grinned. "But don't all turn up at my house tomorrow wanting to hang, I'm going to be tired after all this." Everyone laughed again.

"Hey, I guess that means I'm her friend and you're not." Rosalie leaned forward and whispered in Edward's ear. Alice pushed her away.

"Stop it Rosalie. Those songs aren't just about him, they're about all of us!" Alice told her. "We hurt her, she's got every right to hate us if she wants to." Alice said this, but she didn't look happy about it.

"Yeah, well, I told you that nothing good could come of hanging out with vampires." Rosalie replied. Edward ignored her. To be honest he was mesmerised. Bella was where she should have been all along: where she belongs, standing in front of thousands of people who all adored her, having shed that ridiculous notion that there was nothing special about her and she didn't deserve the spotlight.

"Okay, one more song." Bella said once she had finished laughing. "This is a song I wrote about bad people." She was suddenly serious. "The worst kind: the kind that trick you into trusting them and then hurting you. This is called Venom."

The crowd erupted yet again, but Edward turned for the door: he'd heard enough. Emmett went to stop him, but Alice touched Emmett's shoulder, shaking her head. She knew what he was going to do.

"Good luck." She told him quietly. He gave her a small smile and left.

*****

Edward resumed his hiding place again outside the back stage door. It was quiet out here, and he heard the last chords of Venom finish, and the crowd erupted for one last time, surpassing their previous volumes. A few minutes later Bella came stalking out of the stage door on her own, as if it was fate.

Edward did nothing but watch her for a while, trying to decide what to do, or what to say. As he watched her, she took a packet out of her pocket and poured some white powder onto the back of her hand and snorted it, sighing in relief and slumping against the wall, lighting a cigarette. Edward winced at that action, and shut his eyes, calming himself down, constantly adjusting himself to the situation. It was so weird, seeing her so close to him all alone. He tried to remember why he left her, wondering why he ever did it. It was torture to think that she didn't want to see him, but he knew what must be done.

Feeling like a child, he approached her from the shadows, moving quickly to be beside her, because he didn't think he could walk up to her whilst she was watching him with hate in her eyes. He stopped a few feet away from her, and she didn't even flinch, but continued to smoke, leaning against the wall with her foot placed upon it.

"I was beginning to wonder when you were going to show yourself." She said in a resigned voice, there was no emotion at all in that sentence.

"You probably know what I'm here to say." He said, not really knowing what that was. Stop singing about vampires? Stop sleeping with them? Marry me? He wasn't sure anymore, with the proximity. Her smell was intoxicating to him as always, but muted by the stench of cigarettes and alcohol.

"Not really." She told him. "I couldn't really give a fuck either." He could tell that was true, and it hurt. She seemed completely emotionless and that hurt more than the anger would have.

"Why is that?" He asked, trying to…he didn't even know. Bella seemed amused by the question.

"That should be obvious." Bella told him, taking another drag on her cigarette.

"Yeah." Edward said.

"So what is it?" Bella asked him, still staring into middle distance. "You want to apologise?"

"Well, I do but…" Edward said.

"Save it." Bella told him quickly. "It won't mean anything to me. Go onto the next thing you want to say."

"Okay." Edward was disorientated and a little shocked. He wasn't expecting this. She was emotionless, but strong. He couldn't deal with it. "How about we cut the bullshit. I met your boyfriend earlier." Bella laughed a little without mirth as she exhaled.

"I thought that might be you." She said. "Little peeping tom, getting off in the shadows but not man enough to step into the light, sounds like you."

Edward bit back a retort, he probably deserved that. Hell, he deserved everything she threw at him.

"Where is he right now?" He asked. Bella shrugged.

"Probably availing himself with the groupies." She told him. "He gets his fill and then…takes his fill, it's his post show routine."

"And you're okay with that are you? You're fine with him killing your fans."

Bella shrugged. "Sure why not?"

"What the hell are you doing, Bella, this isn't you." He grabbed her roughly, needing to get a little aggressive to get this conversation into what he needed to talk about. This was killing him and he needed it done so he could run away. He'd be strong to save her once again. He turned her to force her to look at him.

"Yeah?" She said, "And what the fuck do you know about me then?" She looked up at him, looking into his eyes for the first time in six years. He was shocked into silence again, all the anger draining him, replaced with shock.

She looked up at him with an expression of triumphant annoyance, and he started at the colour of her irises. Blood red.

She stared at him for a few more minutes, raising her eyebrows at him as if daring him to say anything, then she shook her head and laughed to herself.

"Relax Edward, they're contacts." She rolled her eyes, and he frowned. "Actually they are kind of cool watch this." She squeezed her eyes shut and popped them open again, and they turned gold, just like his eyes, and she grinned at his expression. Then she squeezed on eye shut and popped it open and then she had one gold eye and one red eye. She took the red one out and it left her with her normal chocolate eye, which looked even stranger with the gold eye.

"They match my mood." She said. "Image is everything and the whole vamp persona thing is quite important to mine. Whatever doesn't kill you and all that." She got some more powder from her pocket, and he saw that she covered her tattoo with it, and then put it to her nose.

"You're sleeping with a killer." He told her, getting back to topic, his jaw clenched as he spoke the words. One thing at a time, he thought, just one thing at a time. "You know how dangerous he is, what he can do."

"Yeah, and what's that to you?" Her eyes were full of cold laughter, she was mocking him, and there was no trace of his Bella there. "Jealous because he can? You know he allows himself to be who he really is, and he doesn't have to be so controlled all the time." She leaned into Edward conspiratorially. "When he kisses me, I can actually feel the passion behind it."

Edward stared at her, trying to process his internal shock, and then realised that he could still hear her heartbeat, clear and steady: she was still human. She gave him a crooked smile, but it was filled with malice and was practically a sneer.

"Bella, this isn't you." He said to her again, more gently.

"Fuck off Edward." She said, and pushed past him roughly, knocking him to the side in his stunned state. He did nothing but watch her go, realising that he truly couldn't think of a thing to say to her.

**A/N: So, Edward's emotions there…sort of a mixed bag and a little odd. Bella's reaction was weird too, eh? I'm not really sure what's going on there. We'll probably find out next chapter. Do you agree with the emotions they would be feeling? I'd like to know.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Well, after every chapter I write a bit more of the ending, which is really interesting and might actually leave open for a sequel, but I haven't decided yet/**

**Review Replies**

**TWIMOM: I don't think Edward can kidnap her. He's got that whole stupid thing where she's got to have the choice of being free to do whatever she wants, and more than ever I think he's feeling like he had no part of her life. I think right now he knows that it's his fault but he is powerless to do anything: she hates him and he can't blame her for it. Stuff that happens in this chapter might change his mind though…also I'm still not sure about Rob. Why is he looking after her?? He could just kill her or turn her but he doesn't, there's a motive there…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Blue October**

_Chapter Four_

"What happened?" Alice asked the minute he caught up with them by the car.

"Nothing." Edward told her. "She's still human, she knows full well what her boyfriend gets up to and she doesn't care." He was still stunned. "She doesn't want anything to do with us, she truly hates us." If he could cry he thought he would. "Her hate has twisted her so much that she's practically one of us, or at least one of them." He shuddered at the sight of her with those eyes, and the tattoo highlighting where she was bitten. "The Bella we knew is dead."

Everyone was silent. Edward started to feel calmer, less lost, more like there was some sort of purpose to the world anymore.

"Please Jasper, let me feel this, I need to get over her." Edward said with his eyes shut. Jasper withdrew his powers, and Edward fell back into the blackness.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

"You alright?" Rob was by her side in a second as she burst through the stage doors.

"Yeah, fine, why wouldn't I be?" Bella asked him.

"I smelt that freak, I was just on my way to kill him." He told her.

"Don't bother. It doesn't matter." Bella told him. "Anymore of those pills about? He proper ruined my coke buzz."

"Yeah, hold on." Rob put his arm around her shoulders and steered her back to the dressing room. She saw that he'd cleaned up after him, like usual. He passed her a little packet and she took two of the contents, swallowing them down with beer.

"Seriously though Bells, I'll kill him if you want me too." Rob told her.

"It's not worth it." Bella wrinkled her nose. "I fucking hate him." She spat, and shook her head. "But if we kill him his stupid 'family' will be on our case. They aren't like normal covens, they're closer, and they won't stop." She sighed. "I've seen how ruthlessly they'll kill your kind when one of theirs is threatened." She traced her tattoo absentmindedly.

"Yeah, I'll just kill all of them and be done with it." He said.

"Maybe, if they don't leave it." Bella told him. "Just leave it for now, Rob. It's going to be sunny for the next few days so they'll be in hiding anyway, and so will you."

"Yeah, I'll leave it for now." Rob told her, rolling a spliff. "But it's not over."

"Whatever." Bella told him. "Fuck I hate dressing rooms, let's go to a bar, enjoy your freedom whilst we've got it."

Rob grinned. "You got it babe." He kissed her, picking her up without breaking it, and carried her out of the room.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Edward usually enjoyed it when it was sunny. It gave him an excuse to stay away from humans, and he liked the way the sun felt on his skin. He felt free, most of the time, like he didn't have to hide, because he was already away from prying eyes, not having to pretend. But not today. Today he stepped into the sun decidedly, watched himself sparkle and hated himself for it. He had never hated himself more than that moment, and he had hated himself a lot in the last six years. He hated the sparkles, the abnormality, because he had hurt Bella because of it. He'd taken one of the most beautiful souls in existence and through his own selfish needs, twisted it into the darkest of creatures, practically living death, somehow further away .

He stood still, trying to phase out of the world, trying to turn to stone so he didn't have to exist anymore, feel like this anymore, until the sun set.

Alice approached him.

"Are you okay?" She asked. _Silly question. _ She thought.

"Yeah." He told her. "It was a silly question."

"Edward we have to do something, this is Bella we're talking about." Alice said.

"Well we weren't but I guess the subject is unavoidable." He replied coldly.

"Our family has never been the same since we left her." Alice continued unperturbed. "She completed our unit, you know it as much as I do."

"So? I made a mistake." Edward still hadn't moved up to this point, but now he turned and put his hands in his hair, interlacing them behind his head and staring at her with an expression of agony. "I messed everything up. Bella's screwed up, everyone is miserable and I have no idea what to do!"

Alice watched him, her expression softened. "I'm sorry, Edward, this is really bad. I still think of Bella as my best friend and it hurts me too."

"I'm going for a walk." Edward told her. "Just…please, just shut up."

Alice watched him walk away and an intense feeling of love filled her. She turned to find Jasper behind her, watching her with careful eyes.

"Oh Jasper." She threw herself into his arms and dry sobbed, wishing bitterly that she could cry away the pain.

***

Edward didn't really know where he was going, but he walked at human speed along the street into town. He thought about a lot of things, but mostly he wondered what Bella was doing now, whether she and Rob were off somewhere doing drugs. He thought for a while about alcohol, and how he and Emmett had tried it once, the day after he had left Bella, and found that it had a buzz for them, but they had had to force themselves to throw up to get rid of it.

As he passed, the door to a bar banged open, spilling light out onto the dark pavement. Bella stumbled out giggling with a guy in tow. As they righted themselves, she pulled him to her and kissed him, and they fell over giggling again.

"Bella?" Edward walked forward. Where was Rob?

"Edward." She didn't look surprised to see him, but happens it was just that she didn't care if he was there or not. She sounded pleased, but she was very drunk.

"What are you doing?" He asked her.

"I'm heading home." She told him, getting to her feet and teetering on her high heeled boots. "This is Mike."

"Actually it's Greg." The guy laughed as she tried to right him as well, but almost fell over again. Edward stopped her from falling onto the street.

"Oh yeah that's right." She pushed Edward off and clung to him. "Come on."

"Bella you're going home with this guy?"

"Damn right she is." Greg squared up to Edward, and Edward inspected him. He was good looking in that generic human way, not really anything special, just like Newton, the kind of guy Bella should be with, he guessed. "You got a problem with that, boy?"

"No, I guess not." Edward forced the words out, when he saw the look on Bella's face. She was completely unconcerned.

"Damn right." Greg nodded again, and turned around taking Bella by the arm.

"Bye Edward." Bella called after him, almost taunting him. Edward followed, his heart open and wounded by the experience. He kept to the shadows, and saw them turn a corner and go into an apartment building. He stood outside, for hours he stood there, trying to decide what to do, whether he could do anything. After a while, Bella appeared again, her hair was messed up and her make up was smeared all over her face.

"You're better than this." He called after her, not being able to stop himself.

"You think so?" Bella asked him.

"Yes." Edward said. "Of course."

"You didn't." She turned and stormed off, still a little unsteady on her feet.

Suddenly he was in front of her.

"When didn't I?" He growled. He was angry at her, how dare she ruin the life he gave her back? How could she be this angry with him? Why didn't she see that he did it for her own good? She'd probably be dead now if he hadn't done it.

"When you left." She told him. "Just like everybody else."

"Who else?" Edward was surprised. Bella was becoming quite emotional in her inebriation, but the main feeling was still anger in her, he could tell.

"Who else?" Bella laughed. "Who else? Are you fucking kidding me? How about everyone! My mother basically kicks me out to be with Phil, you fucking leave me after tricking me into thinking I'm in love with you, Jacob tells me he loves me and then gets married to some girl he just met and my father marries his friend's widow and all of a sudden our house is too small for the fuck up drunk slut leech lover when she's got her perfect non fuck up puppies with her!" She laughed and walked ahead of him, shouting back at him. "I tried my best to be everyone's friend, to look after everyone and they all forgot me and just fucking left me all alone. You tell me where I fit in."

"Bella I…" He'd had no idea that she felt that way. He understood now, it wasn't just him, he could see why she would be so bitter.

"Fuck off Edward." She said. "You promised me I'd never see you again and I'd like you to fucking stick to at least one thing you told me. Just stick to that promise."

"Bella I'm sorry, I didn't meant for this to happen." Edward told her. "Look, please can we get you some coffee or something, you need to calm down. We really need to talk."

"Oh, you think I haven't been drunk before?" Bella asked him. "I've been drunk before Edward, a lot more fucking drunk than I am now." She turned to him, walking backwards and spreading her arms. "I'm still here aren't I? I'm doing better than I ever have before. I'm a fucking rock star. People fucking love me! People want me around! People actually notice me now! I'm wanted." She tripped and turned, falling onto her hands and knees. Edward was beside her in a second, trying to help her up, but she pushed him away. "Just fuck off!" She screamed at him. When she was on her feet again she turned to him. "Don't you understand? I never want to see you again! I hate you! I never want to see you or any of your family again. Can't you see? I'm so much above you now, I'm an international star you're even regarded as freaks in your own kind! You're not good enough to even kiss the ground I walk on." She was crying. "Just leave me alone!" She turned and ran, and as she did, something dropped from her bag, he picked it up, saw what it was, and then turned to see her retreating back halfway down the street, he stood frozen, just watching her go, once again, powerless.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I hate technical glitches.**

**Anywho, here is some insight into the inner workings of Bella Swan. Or at least how I think she should be.**

**Review Responses**

**JMarie: Bella SHOULD be like this. Just because Edward was a vampire doesn't mean that she isn't human and this is the reaction that any normal human would have and I'm glad you agree!! Also…about the kidnap…well Edward's still being quite selfish and I think he's still in denial, he wants her to want to come with him. Also you're very observant with the Volturi reference…you'll just have to wait and see my friend.**

**EllabittenbyCullen: Ha, glad you're enjoying it, here's some more for you.**

**..xX: Thank you, have a chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I do own Rob Norton, which is good because he's sexy.**

_Chapter Five_

Bella ran all the way home, and went she got there she fell in through her front door, and lay there sobbing. She was sincerely glad that Rob wasn't there: on sunny days he stayed in his underground apartment, a place that Bella hated because it smelt like blood. The room was still spinning but she didn't care. She'd done it. She'd told him how she felt.

She crawled to her kitchen area, righting herself on the counter and staggering over to the coffee maker. She had sobered up almost completely. The dizziness had come from the confrontation, the one that counted. She knew that she could scream at Jacob for leaving her as much as she liked and it didn't mean jack: the pain he'd caused her and a fraction of what…

"AAH!" She screamed into the studio apartment, and began to spin on the spot, faster and faster. A thing she did when she was just too angry, she was just too mad and she couldn't take it anymore. She span on her heels, getting faster and faster, feeling graceful. The first thing her record label had made her do was take dance lessons to make her get over her clumsiness and she'd been glad of it. She felt like a new woman.

She needed to shake this off. She was going on tour in a week. Tonight would be the cleansing. It was perfect, she can close the book now and she had everything she needed.

In the fridge she found several bottles of white wine and she selected one, opening it and placing it on the counter with a glass. She downed a glass first. She ran upstairs, showering quickly and changing into her dance clothes – black sweats and a black strapless top and ended just under her bra. She pushed her table and her chairs to the side, making a perfect dance floor.

She'd done this before, but she felt it needed to be done once more. She picked up the remote to her CD player surround sound and punched in a number. It was one of the first songs she ever wrote, but she'd never released it with Once Bitten… it just didn't feel right. She had several songs that she had never shown to anyone, well until she went to a recording studio by herself and recorded them onto her own private album, hoping that the act would force the feelings out of her. It had worked in a way, but she needed to listen and cleanse herself of them every so often, and tonight was one of those nights.

The song started, and she picked up the bottle and drank straight from it forgoing the glass.

If I can't crawl inside of you,  
I'm laughing with a broken face  
I stumble across my self esteem.  
But to picture the pleasure is making me want my space.

Understand...  
that God wrapped you like a bow.  
But in my head...  
There's some shelves that need cleaning,  
from basement to ceiling, control.

If what you're seeing is an open book,  
that's great well I'm an open book.  
But I'm real shy.

There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up.  
That's strange 'cause I'm an open book, a confused girl.

I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people.  
My heart while in its cage,  
Is just to give and not receive a thing,  
But the only funny thing is that I don't know how to give myself advice.

I've got this post dramatic thing  
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies  
around my wedding finger and that's where I want to state this claim.  
That I've got to learn to live and dream  
before I go and get myself in love.

In love.

Before, before, before I go and get myself in love

There's Zoloft, Welbutrin, there's Paxil that's proven, no side effects.  
But the rest left unnamed 'cause they worked like a charm on me.

But when your savings is drying,  
you can't stop from crying  
you've got to suck it up.  
You're not his buttercup,  
you're not his favourite book.

And I am an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people.  
My heart while in its cage,  
give and not receive a thing,  
But the only funny thing is that I don't know how to give myself advice.

I've got this post dramatic thing  
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies  
around my wedding finger and that's where I want to state this claim.  
That I've got to learn to live and dream  
before I go and get myself in love.

In love.

Before, before, before I go and get myself in love

_**(The Answer – Blue October slightly altered)**_

She exhaled as the last bars faded, and she felt refreshed. The dance had given her clarity, and she knew what she was going to do with the album, and she knew she had to do it soon: it needed to be recognised, she guessed. She'd deal with it in the morning. She picked up her bag and reached in for the packet that she knew would be in there, and took it out, rolling herself a spliff. She took it onto her balcony.

It was a warm night. She liked it when it was warm. She let herself drift away into a dreamless stupor, and everything felt better. Fuck, why did she get so built up anyway? He's just some prick that got to her before she knew better. She sighed, basking in the warm night, knowing the sun would come up soon and she should get some sleep. She drifted off on her deck chair.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Bella was out of sight and Edward slowly sank to the pavement. She was right: she was so above him and she saw it now. She was wrong about one thing though: it had always been that way. There was not a second of their whole fucked up history where he even almost deserved to be in the same room as her. He'd selfishly been there, with her, and now she was screwed up.

He stood, staring around with wide staring eyes, looking for an out. Looking just for something that would kill him, turn him to stone, take his heart out. He'd let them, he'd let them rip his heart out and he would spend eternity staring at it, hating it, willing it to beat just once, so that he could stab it and die.

Edward found himself at home as the sun started to rise, he'd spent hours staggering around trying to find a release from it all. He went upstairs, ignoring Alice who was standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him to come home, worried for him.

He was still holding the thing that had fallen out of Bella's bag. It was a small wallet of papers, and it looked well travelled, like it went every where with Bella. It sure smelt like she never let it go. It was sticky like there was stuff split all over it. He opened it.

It contained stuff like the first reviews of Once Bitten Never Shy, and pictures of the band, and of Bella on her own. He examined these carefully, wondering how Bella ever thought she was plain. There was one picture in particular that he couldn't draw his eyes from, Rob had Bella in his arms, and was leaning so Bella was practically upside down. It was bright sunshine, but that must have been edited because it was Bella that was glowing like diamonds. Not like his skin did, but glowing like the moon under the sun. Her skin was flawless, her hair was black and she was wearing some deep purple lipstick which all set off the glowing. He wondered why she got them to do that picture like that. He put them all to one side.

There was a picture of her and Jacob grinning like a fool, and there was a picture of her jumping off of a cliff in her bikini with the sun shining, some of the La Push boys jumping with her. She looked happy, her eyes were squeezed shut and she looked like she was laughing as she faced the camera. There were a few pictures that seemed to be from the same day, mainly of quite a few of the La Push boys wrestling, or chasing Bella. There was a picture of Jacob and Bella standing in the sea, kissing, and another one where he picked her up and was holding her above his head as he headed out further into the ocean, where she didn't look so happy. Edward laughed, surprised and delighted by this unexpected reminder of the Bella he once knew. It didn't matter that her smiles were for Jacob: what mattered was that she was happy, that her life got some normalcy after he left.

Then there were pictures of Jacob with a blonde girl, most of them the girl was in a wedding dress, and Jacob was next to her in a suit. They both looked happy and Edward flicked through the pictures quickly. All the boys from the pictures on the beach were there, but there were none of Bella. Jacob didn't look much older than he did in the pictures from the beach. There was a letter from him too. Edward opened it.

_Bella,_

_I understand why you weren't at my wedding, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. Turns out I'm no better then that scumbag leech after all._

_Look Bella, you're one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I'll love you forever and ever, but I can't help my wolf side. Kelly is my everything, you've seen what the others are like with their imprints and I tried, I really tried to ignore my attraction to her, you know I did, but we can't deny our feelings forever, they catch up to us eventually._

_Remember that time that we went with the rest of the guys to First Beach and lit a fire, we were the last ones awake and we made love for the first time and I told you that I would always be there for you? It still applies Bella, I will always be your best friend._

_I love Kelly but you know that if it had been different that I would have stayed with you forever, but I know you won't take much comfort for that. _

_I'm sorry, and come back soon, or at least call your dad, he's going crazy looking for you._

_Sorry I miss you and I love you and I want you to come back when you're ready to._

_Jacob_

As Edward read it he hated himself a little bit more. Bella had been happy again, she found her balance again after he left her, but Jacob had dumped her too, leaving her to watch him turn from her and fall in love with some other girl. He couldn't imagine ever getting over the pain of the one love he lost, but _two?_

Bella wasn't over any of it. Why else would she carry this around with her? He kept looking, and found something he really didn't expect. It was the stuff he'd put under her floorboards all those years ago. The CD, the plane tickets and the photos. She'd found them and she hadn't destroyed them. She carried pictures of him around in her bag with her. A tiny bit of hope entered his heart, and for the first time in over half a decade his heart felt slightly warm again.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm glad I started this fic. It's actually helping me work out some of my own issues too, but it's getting harder and harder to carry on with, because I'm trying to figure out how to get it from where it is to where I want it to finally be, and leaving it open for the possible sequel…I've got most of the ideas down now, though, I think.**

******ALSO THERE IS A SLIGHT LEMON IN THIS CHAPTER BUT IT'S IMPORTANT…IT'S HARDLY THERE AT ALL I PROMISE******

**Review Replies**

**EllaBittenByCullen: That's a really good idea for a chapter…maybe I'll do that a little later, I think there is a good place to fit that in. Thank you for the praise! The emotion in it is making it quite hard to actually write this. Also Blue October is possibly the best band on the planet and I'm glad I've orchestrated another fan!**

**Solemariecullen: I think you're right. It's a normal reaction to get angry, it was what I did, and like I said I wrote this because I was annoyed that Bella **_**didn't.**_** I agree with you on the whole Edward thing as well, he's got issues to deal with, even in the books he's always sulking or dwelling on every little thing. Rob…aaah…there's a story there…next chapter my friend, next chapter ********.**

**..xX: Does he? I think he hopes he does…but he might just be looking for false hope… what does it really mean??**

**TWIMOM: This is what I'm trying to decide. What does Bella need in order to recover from this…it's going to take a really special effort…I truly think that sometimes people can be completely in love but have hurt each other too much to ever be able to be together again…but then maybe they will.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_Chapter Six_

Bella woke with the warm sun on her face, and she smiled. She felt more human than she had for years. She lay there for a bit, enjoying it, and then checked the time and swore.

She jumped off the chair and ran into the apartment, running down the stairs and skidding over to the phone, dialling quickly.

"Bella?" Her manager sounded surprised at the Caller ID.

"Hey Lucy." Bella said, breathless.

"You're supposed to be at your dance class in ten minutes, what are you doing still at home?"

"It's cool I'm going in a second, I can still get there in time." Bella told her. "I just really wanted to start something before I changed my mind."

"Okay, but you do realise you're on tour for three months next week?" Lucy asked her, sceptically.

"Yeah yeah yeah." Bella told her. "I really need you to set something up for me, we've got like two weeks break and then we're doing the world tour for like a year, right?"

"You know that Bella, what do you want?"

"I want to do a gig in that break." Bella told her. "Not Once Bitten. Just me."

"You want to release your solo stuff?" Lucy was suddenly very excited. "I can do that."

"Not release it." Bella told her, shaking her head, even though she was on the phone. "At least not yet, just a one off gig. Somewhere intimate, and with limited people allowed."

"I love it, the softer side of Bella Swan." Lucy said dramatically. "Your audience will treble! Leave it with me. It will be all sorted by the time you get back from the tour, now get to your dance class before I fire you!"

"Sure thing Luce, love you." They air kissed and Bella hung up, skidding to the door grabbing her bag as she went.

***

"Boo." Rob grinned at Bella as she left the dance studio. She gave him a small smile. She'd stayed behind at the dance studio after her class, which was pretty much usual for her. She enjoyed dancing, well, she did after she actually got good at it. To begin with she was pretty terrible. She'd generally hang around if she had nothing much else to do, Mitch the dance instructor was a good friend of hers, and today she'd hung around until quite late: the sun had already set.

"I thought you'd be holed up with your video collection for another day." She told him. "It's sunny tomorrow as well you know."

"Yeah, well I missed you." He told her, still grinning.

"Aw. That's sweet." She said. "Want to go get fucked?"

"That's my girl." He put his arm around her shoulders. "Plus we've got that thing."

"What thing?"

"Uh…how about that movie premiere?" He asked her. "Jesus Bella it's not like you to forget stuff like that."

"Oh. Yeah." She had forgotten. Lucy had promised she'd appear at the premiere for The Watchmen, she was surprised she didn't remind her this morning. Comic Book movies…well they were her guilty pleasure but she wouldn't admit it. "Yeah, let's go back to mine and get ready."

***

Rob lounged on Bella's sofa watching TV whilst she showered away the sweat she'd worked up in the long day at the dance studio. He looked up just as she walked out of the bathroom naked and growled with desire.

Bella raised an eyebrow.

"You want some do you?" She asked. Rob didn't take his eyes off of her: a predator to the core. It looked like he wanted to consume her, and she thought about how true that probably was. She warmed to that threatening look and smiled. "We won't have much time to get ready after, you tend to indulge in that area."

Rob was already walking up the stairs. "I'll help you get ready. I move really fast."

Bella was already in Rob's arms. "Just don't you?" She said and he silenced her with a rough and passionate kiss.

**

Bella wrapped the bedcovers around her and left the bed. Rob lounged naked on it.

"What you looking for?" He asked.

"A hit." She told him. "I think I'm going to need it to get through tonight."

"Pass it this way when you're done." Rob told her. Bella rifled through her bag, looking for the precious clear bag, and noticed that her bag was missing something else too.

"Fuck!" She said aloud, searching frantically.

"What is it?" Rob asked.

"Nothing." Bella told him, and brought out what she'd been looking for and bringing it back to the bed. "I've just lost something is all."

"That file thing you carry everywhere?" Rob asked.

"Yeah." Bella told him. "Fuck it doesn't matter, it's good actually, I was thinking of throwing it away soon anyway." She brought out a tray and lined up some lines, doing two herself and passing it to Rob.

"Liar." He told her.

**

"Fuck you look great." Rob told her. Bella agreed. The dress was tiny. Strapless and ending halfway down her thigh, it should be banned, but it was fucking great. She felt every inch the rock star. They'd demolished the rest of her drugs now, and she was feeling fantastic, in her high shoes and her hair up.

"The limo will be here in a minute." She told him. He fixed his hair and put on his sunglasses.

"Showtime." It was his catchphrase before they went anywhere.

"Yeah, right. Just don't kill the stars right?" She told him.

"Funny." Rob told her, giving her a sarcastic smile. "I'm not stupid, they'll be plenty of sluts at the after party."

"Good thinking." Bella nodded. The limo honked its horn. "Oh, Chicago folk are so refined."

"Oh god, do you remember LA though?" Rob asked her. "When we went down to that award show?"

"Oh yeah!" Bella giggled. It was a couple of days after their first album hit number one on the charts. They'd practically licked the floor in front of them with their tongues. "I bet their lips were sore for weeks after all that ass kissing."

"Yeah but that PA girl that was assigned to us was so sweet." He smacked his lips. "Raspberries I think."

"Shut up." Bella told him, rolling her eyes, he grinned and threw her over his shoulder, carrying her in the most undignified way outside.

"Rob!" She shouted.

"Uh uh." Rob told her. "If you complain I carry you out of the car this way too."

**

Bella and Rob strolled along the street. It was about five in the morning, and Bella had drank a lot of booze. The film was alright, the champagne was better. She was pretty much sober now though, the effects of all of the drugs she'd taken had given her quite a balanced view on life, cancelling out the alcohol. She called it her healthy balance. It wasn't exactly reality, but it felt like it.

Rob stiffened as they turned a corner, and he put his arm around her, as if for protection. It didn't take long for her to realise why.

Edward. She sighed. Why the fuck wouldn't he leave her alone? She was _fine._

"What the hell does that child think he's doing?" Rob growled. Bella touched his arm to calm him.

"Rob, I told you, he's got this God complex. He thinks he's responsible for everything and he's probably on a mission to save me right now." Bella swallowed. Rob smiled mirthlessly.

"Sounds about right." He said to himself. "Can I just kill him yet?"

"No." Bella told him. "He'll fuck off eventually." She called out to the darkness and then turned back to Rob. "Let's just go back to mine."

"No." Rob growled, tightening his grip on her. "He's watching, he wants a show and I say we give him one." He gestured to the dark alleyway across the street. "I think he needs some encouragement to fuck off."

"Fuck yeah let's do it." Bella told him and Rob picked her up, running into the alley and pushing her against the wall, kissing her roughly, running his hand up her thigh, reaching under her skirt for her underwear.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Edward hadn't meant to follow her. He'd caught her scent at that premiere and he couldn't resist it. The fact that he was even at that stupid premiere because he knew she was going to be there was neither here nor there. He needed to confront her, to ask her about that file, why was she carrying pictures of him around with her everywhere if she hated him?

She and Rob went to about three after parties and he'd waited outside at each one. He thought about going in, but he didn't think it was a great idea. There was no knowing how many of Bella's bloodsucking beaus were in there.

It was quite late when Rob caught his scent. He'd been being careful to stay downwind of them, but they turned a corner and he saw the huge vampire stiffen. _Damn._ He heard that creature's thoughts. He was deliberating killing Bella right there, in front of him with no witnesses, but Edward thought that was just to torture him, or at least he hadn't got a phone call from Alice yet, and she was on red alert.

Suddenly Bella was in Rob's arms and he was running into an alley. In his musings he'd missed something. He went closer and then froze. Bella was pressed against the wall, Rob pressed to her, both moving in unison. Rob was grunting and taking her roughly as Bella shut her eyes and moaned. Edward looked away, he couldn't take it. They were punishing him, and it was working, he'd never felt so strong a desire to rip himself apart. He ran west, not really knowing where to go but not really caring. He stood at the edge of a park for a long time, hoping that finally his wish to turn to stone would come true.

"Edward." A distinctly gruff English voice broke his musings. Only shock stopped him from attacking right then. He looked around and found that Rob was alone, and standing at ease a few feet away.

"I think it's time that I tell you a story." Rob told him. "I think you'll find it interesting."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the Cliffhanger ha ha. It was just a great place to end the chapter.**

**Review Replies**

**Pmbv11: Ha! Let the agony end…**

**EllabittenbyCullen: Hee hee, I'm glad you liked the little bit of smut…I guess I'll apologise but there's no Carlisle/Bella in this story…lol. What is Rob going to say? It's such a mystery! Well…read on.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

_Chapter Seven_

Edward just stood and stared, and Rob prowled closer to him. Edward eyed him, deciding that there was no point in attacking him, Rob would finish him off pretty quickly. He was very good at keeping his thoughts secret from him as well; all he was thinking about was the sight of Edward, leaning on the tree.

_I'm not going to kill you, at least, not tonight. We're going to have a little chat. _ Rob thought at him, satisfied that the boy wasn't going to try and commit suicide.

"You see," he continued when Edward didn't speak, "there are things you probably need to know about me, as I'm such you're curious about why I'm fucking your little piece of humanity." He grinned, seemingly amused by his own choice of words.

"Every vampire has an origin story." Rob told him, staring at him with an intensity. "Mine is quite odd, sort of mundane in its way, but I guess that's the point.

"Eighty years ago I was living in London. I was dating this girl, she was pretty and nice and she made me feel good about myself." Rob was pacing. "You see, I fucked up a lot when I was human, I thought I was a bit of player, a real mover and shaker on the scene, or at least working for one." He snarled. "I guess you could call me a thug, but I was trying to change, for my girl. She had this kid, right? Real bastard of a father, not in the way I was either, smug like, treated her like dirt." He shook his head. "Thought she was just some slut and wanted nothing to do with his little boy. Anyway, I'm just minding my own business, trying to do right by them, and one of my boss's…well, let's just say they aren't real friendly, break into her flat and try to take her hostage, get some leverage, so I kill him right there on the spot." He pretended to snap someone's neck right in front of him.

"I was just trying to protect her, but she freaks out and says I'm no good for her, and that the dad wants her back and she was leaving me." He sighed. "Now, I know what I was, I had anger issues. I followed her a few days later to the park that she takes her little boy to, and I think about how she's fucking up everything and I was trying to change for her. I get real angry, thoughts about killing her consuming me. I wasn't really going to do it, I was just angry, and it made me feel better to stand there and imagining torturing her and the kid both. I wanted to make her hurt the way she was hurting me, like.

"Then there was a noise behind me, and suddenly I was attacked from behind, and _bitten _on the neck!" Rob said in mock shock. Edward tried to move, or say something, but he found himself completely unable to. Rob showed him the scene in his head, and Edward tried to block it out. "You know, I never knew why or how, but the boy on my back suddenly stopped, looked towards the park, and ran away, leaving me in the bushes, just dropped me and ran, not even bothering to finish the fucking job and put me out of my misery.

"I was there for, I don't know, three days? In agony. And when I woke up I wasn't the person I used to be, I felt different, the world looked different, and you know what the first thing I saw was?" Rob was very close now, his lips twisted in a grin. "A park full of kids and their mothers, and suddenly I was very thirsty. You want to know what I did, _Edward_?" Edward still said nothing, but Rob showed him all the mental pictures of the dead little bodies and the screaming. "Well, I killed them. Every. Last. Woman and Child." Rob laughed. "I didn't know what I was or how but I felt _good. _After that I went and found that little bitch and I gave it to her real fucking good. I felt her life leak out of her, I heard her heart stop and it felt amazing, powerful, and I wanted to do it more. I didn't even know what I was, but I knew I wasn't human any more, and I felt like a god.

"Well, fast forward seventy five years and you find me in a little town south of Seattle, Washington." Rob raised his eyebrows. "I think you know the place, _Edward Cullen._ Well, I hadn't been idle in those years, I knew what I was, and I had got _really _good at being it." He smiled. "Some of the stories I could tell you about the things I've done, god…

"Anyway, what do I see but that boy, the one that had crept up on me that fateful overcast day seven and a half decades ago." Rob grinned again and Edward's eyes widened as Rob showed him a memory of him and Bella sitting in his car outside Bella's house in Forks, and he bit his lip and shut his eyes, but he saw him and Bella sharing a passionate kiss, and he didn't know what hurt more, the story Rob was telling him or that memory of Bella being dragged up, seeing her again how she used to be. "Hanging out with humans, no less." Rob shook his head. "Funny that."

"Rob." Edward said finally, the picture of her giving him back his voice. "What are you doing with Bella?"

"You not getting me?" Rob growled. "You created me. You bit me and left me without even an explanation and the next thing I find you're hanging around with humans? You're feeding on animals?" He shook his head again. "You made me a god, and I had pictured meeting up with you again, joining together and making a real mess, imagine my disgust. I wasn't going to do anything to you, although I wanted to. I still have anger issues, and I wanted to know why you did it, why bite me if you're such a human lover? I wanted answers, but I realised I didn't really care. But then, a few years later, Bella turns up in New York and I think…well, I thought that perhaps she might lead me back to you, so I could tell you this story." Rob walked up to him. "How does that make you feel, human lover? All the people I've killed, the way that Bella is now, it's all your fault." He grinned at Edward again. "If you hadn't made me what I am, I wouldn't have made Bella the way she is, because when I met her she was a mess, but her hatred for you was so…weak, I could see that if you'd turned up at any time she would have run back to your marble-like arms and sobbed into you, and now she hates you as much as I do." He started to walk away, but turned around again. "Because I do hate you, _Edward. _I hate you for the uncertainty, for the fact that I lost my life. For the first twenty years I didn't even know what I fucking was, and I was all on my own, the way you will be now. In my mind, I had this picture of this great creator, meeting up with him and finding out why me. But then I see this shitty little high school boy who wasn't even special for a vampire, except for the way he denies what he is like some sort of pansy." Rob seemed too choked up to continue, and took in a shaky breath and let it out. "I haven't decided whether I'm turning Bella yet or just killing her, but either way she will never be with you, so just fuck off and accept it. I'll probably kill her though, because I blame you for making me kill my girl, girl for a girl, sounds fair to me."

Edward slowly sank to the floor as Rob left, probably heading back to Bella. So there it was; the whole reason for what Bella had become. He knew that his fault was doubled, as Bella would have never even crossed paths with that monster if he'd never left her, if Jacob hadn't rejected her, if her parents hadn't remarried.

He remembered the night he'd attacked Rob so clearly. It was in the time he'd left Carlisle to explore his own desires, to stop denying himself what he wanted. Rob had been thinking disgusting things about that girl, trying to decide whether to kill the child in front of her or to rape her in front of the child. Edward had thought of himself as helping humans by killing men like _him. _ He'd stopped when he heard Rob's last thoughts, hoping that the girl would be happy now. He heard the child ask if he could see his uncle Rob and saw the man's face in the child's head. He dropped him, disgusted with himself.

That was his last kill, he'd returned to Carlisle that night, swimming the channel and meeting him in France. He had no idea that Rob hadn't died.

Every selfish act Edward had ever done in his entire existence seemed to have repercussions on Bella. It seemed that by the simple act of loving her had meant that all the punishment meted for his mistakes was thrown onto her. She was created to draw him in and he was created to hurt her.

"Edward?" Alice was in the park now. "Edward you can't! I won't let you."

"I have to." Edward told her. "I'm afraid to do anything, I have to stop existing because everything I do just messes Bella up more."

"You need to save her from that monster!" Alice told him. "What good to her are you dead?"

"Alice you don't understand!" Edward told her. "I created that monster!"

Alice took a few seconds to process this.

"What?" She said.

"Rob." Edward shut his eyes. "Bella's boyfriend. I turned him."

"Why didn't you tell anyone about this?" Alice was furious.

"I didn't know! It was when I was parted from Carlisle for that decade." Alice nodded to show her understanding. "I thought he was dead! It was him that made me realise what I was doing, made me realise that good and evil weren't perfectly defined, and that I couldn't play god. It's my fault that Bella is so fucked up and I need to die for it."

"No, Edward, you need to fix it!" Alice told him, suddenly stern. "You fucked up a lot and it's unfortunate that it's all got messed up together but this is the time when you make everything right!" She screeched in his face. "If you don't then you don't deserve to die! I'll make sure the whole family leaves you and every time you decide to try and kill yourself I'll make sure that you don't get to. You will spend eternity alone!" He'd never seen her like this before, her whole body seem consumed with a fury. "Now stand up and be a man, Bella needs you! You know as well as I do that somewhere inside that drugged out slut is our friend and we need to get her back!"

"Right." Edward centred himself, and stood up, rearranging his face and inhaling. "Okay, let's do this." He smiled at her. "Let's get Bella back."

"Damn straight!" Alice smiled at him.

"Thank you Alice, you're the best sister I could have ever asked for." He pulled her into a gentle hug and kissed her hair.

"You're right, you probably don't deserve me." She said. "But unfortunately for both of us I'm not letting you give up on her."

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

Rob arrived back at Bella's house and she crinkled her forehead.

"Where have you been?" She asked.

"No where." Rob said. "Just visiting an old friend and giving him some home truths."

"Who?"

"Just leave it Bella. You have your secrets and I have mine."

"Fine whatever." She said.

"I'm heading off for a few days." Rob told her. "I need to stretch my legs and go and do some real hunting. You gonna be alright?"

Bella shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"A few days, Bella, and then we're on tour and you can forget all about that freak."

"He's already forgotten, Rob, if you haven't noticed I couldn't care less whether he was around or not."

"Sure, Bella. You have my number if he tries anything. I'll kill him if you ask me too."

"I know." Bella said. "Have fun." Rob kissed her roughly and left.

"Remember that interview." He told her as he left.

Bella rolled her eyes, did he think she was an idiot? It was as important to her that they made it big and that meant her doing as much publicity as possible. She smiled, they were already made it, and they were working on rock god status now.

Well, she was on Pop World, some English thing she guessed probably a bit like TRL, tomorrow and she would have to be at her best to win over those over the pond. Rob would be better for it, being English and all that, but he insisted that she was the one everyone wanted to see.

Bella watched him go, her heart fluttering just a little bit as he stalked out.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: This chapter didn't exist until something happened to me today: just something that made me extremely angry, and I can't take it out on the people who deserve it so I'm letting Bella take it out on Edward. So…yeah, if I don't amalgamate this meeting effectively into the following…I think three chapters I've already written, I'm sorry, but this is the only place it will fit.**

**This is an idea that TWIMOM gave me…well sort of.**

**Sorry about the long update gap…I visited my parents for a week and I forgot my laptop so I couldn't update.**

**Review Replies**

**Solemariecullen: I'm glad you like it, but don't give up on Rob just yet….**

**Whofreak: Thank you, glad you're enjoying!**

**TWIMOM: Yeah, it was fun to write actually. This chapter more so, complete catharsis. **

**EllabittenbyCullen: I'm glad everyone loves the twist. Rob is a strange being, he's the only character I've ever created – either an OC in a fanfic or in my own original work who has ever just appeared complete with his back story and his motivations already just there. It's interesting, and there are several more twists in this story!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_Chapter Eight_

After Rob left, Bella settled down with a bottle of wine and a film. She didn't feel like sleeping, and the apartment was too quiet without Rob, for some reason.

Her door slammed open a little later, and she looked up to find a distraught but determined looking Edward storming through her living room. She stood up but he didn't even look at her, he ran up her steps and grabbed a bag, throwing her clothes into it.

"Edward." She walked up the stairs to her bedroom balcony. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

"We're leaving." Edward didn't look up at her. "We have a house in Alaska if we leave now we'll get there by tomorrow afternoon." He seemed satisfied with his packing and grabbed her arm roughly, leading her back down to the stairs. "The others are already on their way there."

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" Bella told him trying to throw his grip off but he was too strong for her. He ignored her anyway. She kicked him as they reached the bottom of the stairs, thanking god she had decided to keep her stilettos on. He let go. "Edward I said I'm not fucking going anywhere with you!"

"This isn't the time Bella!" Edward shouted back. "You don't get a decision in this!"

"I think I fucking do!" She screamed back. "You forget who I'm dating."

"No I really haven't, he's the one we're running from." She went for her mobile but he was quicker, grabbing it and crushing it in his hand. "Nice try."

"I'm not running away from my boyfriend!" She shouted at him. "You're not fucking kidnapping me!"

"He's not your boyfriend!" Edward shouted back, angrily pushing her towards the door. "He's using you to get at me."

"Don't you think I know that?" Bella spun around, and Edward stopped trying to get her out of the door.

"You know?" He was stunned.

"Course, he knew all about you. He wasn't surprised that I knew all about vampires, in fact he already knew I did and my whole life story didn't shock him, he even knew about you 'vegetarians'. It was pretty obvious that his decision to keep me around was something to do with your family." She flopped down on the sofa and rolled her eyes. "He hates you almost as much as I do."

"Bella, he's going to kill you!"

"So?" Bella shrugged. "At least he's here now. At least he needs me for something. At least he has time for me."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" Edward shouted at her. "The killer wants to kill you to get back at me and I'm not going to let that happen!"

"You don't get to 'let' anything happen in my life anymore!" Bella shouted back at him. "Didn't I make that clear enough? I don't care about you anymore! I want nothing to do with you!"

"Beg to differ." He threw the file at her and it landed in her lap. She looked down at it and sighed.

"Figures you would have it." She muttered. "You stole this from me?"

"No." Edward told her. "It fell out of your bag last night when you were drunk."

"Right." She downed her glass and poured another, completely at ease and not going anywhere.

"So it begs the question. Why carry pictures of me around in your bag if you don't care about me?"

"Actually it begs the question why the fuck would you hide pictures of yourself under my floorboards after leaving me? Just wanted to prolong the agony a bit longer? Thought I'd find them and decide to top myself?"

"Of course not." Edward snapped. "It's irrelevant and you didn't answer the question of why you kept them." Edward glared at her and crossed his arms.

"I kept them to remind myself of what happened and never to be…_her…_again." She opened the pictures and leafed through them, staring at them in disgust.

"Bella, there was nothing wrong with who you were!" Edward was clearly exasperated with her.

"Really? Wasn't there?" Bella stood up and hissed in his face. "So it was just bad luck that everyone I ever cared about, did EVERYTHING for couldn't give a fuck about me?"

"That's not true!" Edward insisted.

"You looked through all of these did you?" Bella asked, furious. "Every single one, yeah? Did you see this one?" Bella rifled through the stack, her hands shaking so much that most of them fell on the floor, she found the one that she wanted, and dropped the rest on the floor, stepping over them as she walked over to Edward, tears spilling from her eyes. She thrust the picture into his hands and walked past him to her pack of cigarettes and lit one with shaking hands.

"What? It's a picture of you at your graduation." He had seen it before, it was Bella in her gown in front of a wall.

"Whose in the picture Edward?" She asked.

"You are." His forehead crinkled in confusion.

"Yeah, on my own." She snatched the picture back and put it on the counter. "Me with everyone who showed up to see me graduate from High School."

"What?" Edward exclaimed. "Not even your dad…"

"No, there was a big pack emergency that day." Bella nodded. "Charlie had to go down to La Push with my step mom and her puppies. Renee was in Africa or somewhere with Phil and thought it was a paltry reason to ruin her holiday. I went alone, and afterwards I went home alone, and was alone until I went to sleep, neither my father nor my boyfriend nor my mother even calling to see how it went. Just another example of how much people care about me."

"Bella…" Edward was stricken with grief.

"It was important to me, Edward." Bella snarled. "It was a stupid ceremony, it was over in less than an hour, but it was important to me and no one turned up. It was supposed to be the symbol of the fact that I didn't let things get to me, that even though I'd been through hell I could still pick up the pieces and _no one showed up." _ She hissed. "They didn't even apologise for it, I was the annoyance because I was even upset! This is my family, Edward!"

"Bella…"

"Shut up Edward! You weren't there either! You were one of the first to jump ship!" Bella picked up an empty bottle and threw it at him. It hit him on the chest and it shattered but he didn't even move, he just stared at her. "Everyone fucked off on me until I met Rob!" She glared at him. "You want some of my history, Edward? You want to know what I got up to after you fucked off, yeah?" She wiped her tears. "Well, once Jacob fucked off I left and went to New York, with a guy from a record label that said I had a talent. Of course, he fucked off the minute he'd screwed me over, and I was left alone. I ended up singing in this back street bar, and…providing services…for rent on my shitty apartment." She looked up at him and was satisfied with his horrified, disgusted, anguished look. "And, well, some guy decided he wanted some services without paying for it in a back alley." Bella shuddered at the memory. "Rob showed up just in time and killed him, right in front of me, drinking him dry, wiping his mouth and helping me to my feet. He wasn't shocked that I wasn't shocked. He even knew my name and claimed he saw me sing. We went out for a drink, and you know what? He fucking understood me, he supported me and he _showed up._ Every gig I had after that, he showed up for, front and centre and walked me home after. With his help I never had to resort to selling myself again, and we formed the band soon after, wanting to tell the world we hated it." Bella shook her head and shrugged. "I don't care why he wants me, he's the only one who has always been there for me! He has never let me down. He picked up the pieces of my life and offered me a new one and I'm happy! I've got my own place, and I like it, and no one takes advantage of me, and, before you turned up, I was actually getting my life back onto an even keel, feeling happy about who I am now. I'd rather have him kill me now than go back to feeling like I'm a spare wheel, an annoyance in people's lives! Nothing more than a burden!"

"Bella." Edward darted forward and grabbed her arms. "You were never a burden to me. I've loved you since the second I first saw you and I still love you to this day." Bella hit him. Shock, more than pain made him recoil.

"Then that's worse." Bella spat at him. "Or it's just the same. Don't kid yourself you aren't any different." She shook her head. "I don't know why you're so scared of losing me. You lost me a long time ago, Edward Cullen."

"Please Bella, I'll make it all up to you..."

"You'll do what?" Bella laughed. "You'll make it up to me will you? You'll go back in time and get my father to pick his child over his step children? You'll turn up to my High School graduation so there was someone to be in my picture with me?" She shook her head again. "Damage done, Edward, no one can make it up to me now. I've taken too much crap and now I just want to be left alone."

"I'm not leaving you here to die, Bella." Edward's jaw locked.

"Yes you are, Edward. After everything you and everyone else has put me through, you owe me that much." Bella told him. She sat down and didn't look as he stared at her for a few more minutes, as if deciding whether there was anything else to say, and then slowly placing the bag of clothes on the floor, turning and leaving her apartment. She nodded to herself and went for another bottle of wine from the fridge


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: For English fans. I know that Simon Amstell left the show a long time ago, but I love him. Gay he may be (men are so lucky!), but he owns my heart for just being so CUTE and curly haired. Rock on Buzzcocks.**

**Review Replies: Thank you to everyone that reviewed, but I'm posting this in a few minutes break I've given myself in between doing my dissertation and revising for my final exams at university – I've read all your reviews and I'll reply to them when I have the time. I put two chapters together just because I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again, as an apology of sorts. Anywho, enjoy and keep reviewing! I appreciate it muchly.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Blue October, apart from the books and albums ********.**

_Chapter Nine_

"So Bella what's with the eyes?" Simon Amstell asked her. Bella smiled.

"They remind me of a person I once knew." She told him, she had her blood red shade on today.

"Is that person Rob Norton, your on again off again bad boy boyfriend who has the scary eyes too?" Simon asked her, his tone almost perfectly serious.

"No." Bella smiled, and then rolled her eyes. "It's just a fashion statement. A hook." She told him, grinning.

"Bella, you are very beautiful, but why do you wear such scary outfits? Sometimes when I see you out and about I'm scared to come and say hello, I think you and Rob might eat me."

Bella laughed. "Aww…Simon, you can come and talk to me, I won't bite you. Rob might." They both laughed.

"Bella why are you with such a scary man?" Simon asked. "Rob is a scary man! I mean it I've seen it at parties, he's terrifying. Surely you could find someone, you know, that won't kill you or something?"

"You have no idea." Bella laughed. "It seems every guy I like is out to kill me in some sort of fashion. I guess Rob is pretty scary, but no one messes with me."

"You speak like a woman who has had her heart broken before."

"Well, have you heard my songs?" Bella asked, slightly annoyed at this guy's quite straight-to-the-point style of interviewing, the odd questions he was asking her, seemingly mocking her. "I mean, I'm not singing love songs."

The interview carried on like this for a while, and finally it was over. Bella felt she did a good job, put out a sort of a scary but funny and a little vulnerable persona, and hung around until the very first opportunity she found to leave, got Simon's number and arranged to have drinks with him later. He was annoying but he'd charmed her, and anyway she had to keep the media happy.

She jumped into her car, and quickly found that she was not alone.

"Oh my god." She said, not out of shock but general annoyance. "What the hell? Are you Cullens retarded or something?"

"Bella we need to talk." Alice watched her with those wounded eyes. Bella bit back a scoff, it had been a long time since those eyes had touched her and they didn't exactly have the desired effect anymore.

"Why?" Bella said. "It's always the same, you get a little bit of fame and fortune and suddenly all those friends who couldn't have given a fuck about you before come sniffing around."

"Bella I have more than enough money and you know that." Alice told her stiffly. Bella glanced down, seeing she was wearing some sort of gothic style designer outfit, definitely expensive, and probably to try and please her, she rolled her eyes.

"Then what the hell do you want?" Bella sighed.

"What are you doing for the rest of the day?" Alice asked, seemingly oblivious to Bella's spite and, shockingly to Bella, bouncing up and down in the seat in excitement. She half expected her to squeal 'Shopping!!' at any moment.

"Well, I've got to go into the studio and record right now." Bella lied. "It's a secret new album I'm putting out, no members of the public allowed."

"Well I know that's a lie. You decided you were just going to hang out at home, maybe write, and probably do some of the coke that Rob left you." Alice said matter-of-factly, although Bella sensed her disgust as she mentioned the drugs. She cursed Alice's premonition powers.

"Fine." Bella said. "What do you want?"

"Well, as you didn't really have any plans I was wondering if you wanted a girly day?" Alice smiled at her.

"You think I'm going to say yes to this?" Bella asked, laughing.

"Yes." Alice said defiantly, but gave up when she saw Bella's expression. "Well, no, but I know I'm just going to follow you around all day anyway. I know Rob isn't going to be around for a few days and I'm sticking to you like glue until you agree to talk to me." Her voice was laced with threat.

"Oh god, whatever." Bella sighed. "You Cullens have really got to get over yourselves, you know."

"Uh huh." Alice said, jumping around in the seat and putting her seatbelt on. "So what are we doing first?"

"Well, I WAS going to go home and work on some music, which is, you know, rather than being nothing, my JOB, you know, the whole professional singer/songwriter thing, but now I think I really need a drink, and probably a bit more of the coke that Rob left me then I was going to use."

"A bar?" Alice was openly disgusted. "It's not even one in the afternoon!"

"Yeah? And?" Bella told her. "You want to follow me around like a little puppy dog I obviously can't stop you, but I'm not going to like it, and we're not going to talk, and I am going to do what I like."

"Okay fine." Alice agreed, bouncy and excited again in a second. "Let's go to a bar."

"Thank you but are you old enough to drink?" Bella raised an eyebrow at her ironically. "You look like a child to me. Someone who should be in High school."

"Actually, Bella, right now I'm twenty four. Just like you." Alice gave her a slightly cold smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and Bella knew then that she was going to have a hard time getting rid of her.

"Whatever." Bella sighed, starting up the car.

"You say that a lot." Alice told her, leaning back on the seat, seeming perfectly at ease.

"Whatever." Bella said again. This was not how she wanted to spend her day. Alice was almost as bad as Edward. Worse in some ways, she just seemed to follow Edward around like a puppy, when Edward loved her Alice was her best friend, but the second Edward changed his mind Alice was gone without even the courtesy of a goodbye. She couldn't be bothered to argue with the girl, and perhaps she could convince her that she really was happy and that her family could just leave her alone.

Alice sang along to the radio. It was a Once Bitten hit. Bella switched it off.

"Hey, I like that one." Alice told her. Bella rolled her eyes. "I have all your albums."

"Want an autograph?" Bella asked her mockingly.

"Yeah, maybe later. I'd quite like your boyfriend's too." Alice told her. Bella laughed coldly.

"He'd sooner rip your head off than look at you." Bella told her. "He hates you freaks."

"Maybe." Alice conceded serenely, not put off at all about Bella and Rob's nickname for her family.

Bella parked up by a bar and got out without even looking at Alice. She went in and the barman greeted her casually: she went in there all the time.

"Usual?" He asked as Alice came to sit next to her.

"Two and make them doubles." Bella said, running her hand through her hair.

"Bella I don't drink." Alice said quietly. "I don't have the...you know."

"They're both for me." Bella told her curtly. "And you do actually, Rob does all the time, it's just you won't." She paid the man and took them to a booth, Alice slid in opposite her, and watched as Bella downed the first one and sipped on the next.

"So, you're a rock star." Alice tried to make conversation; Bella raised an eyebrow at her and didn't reply. "I saw your show. It was awesome."

Bella nodded and smiled sarcastically.

"So, you're really not going to say anything to me, are you?" Alice nodded, hurt evident in her face.

"Look, Alice. I can't force you go away, and I can't outrun you, and I can't be bothered to be angry at this moment in time, so I guess I'm stuck with ignoring you. I told you in the car that I would not be talking to you."

"Yeah but I thought…"

"Now that's where you were wrong, Alice. You thought I'm still the same person you left in Forks, you thought that maybe if you followed me around I would eventually break down my barriers and cry and tell you that I miss you, but in reality I really don't." Bella finished her drink and signalled to the barman she was ready for another one. "You see I'm not the same girl. I have the same name, I have the same face, but I'm not that stupid naïve girl that falls over her own feet and thought that just because something seemed so incredibly beautiful on the surface it was beautiful all the way through." She sighed. "I'm not your Bella, I'm not Edward's Bella, I'm not Jacob's Bella, I am My Bella. I belong to, answer to and am responsible for solely and completely one person. Me."

"That must be lonely."

"Oh, fuck off Alice." Bella finished her third drink, threw a few bills on the table and stalked out to her car. Alice was waiting for her in the passenger seat. "You aren't going to break me."

Alice said nothing, just sat in the car, waiting for her to get in. Bella stood there for a few seconds, glaring at her, and then sighed and climbed in behind the wheel. She started the car and backed it out of the car park.

"You sure you're okay with driving?" Alice asked. "You have what, like six shots of gin in there?"

"Well, I guess I shouldn't, but I promise if we crash you'll be fine." Bella told her irritably. "I'm the only one who gets hurt, right? Just like always."

"Well that's not true." Alice said quietly and Bella roared in frustration, pulling U-turn on the empty street. "Where are we going?"

"I'm going to my dance studio." Bella told her. "You're pissing me off and I need to get some of the anger out." It was a short drive, made in silence. Once they got there, Bella walked in past the reception without a word, not even looking over her shoulder as Alice was stopped from following her.

"Sorry Miss, you can't go in there." A large bald man stopped Alice. "It's an exclusive studio and you're not on the guest list."

"Fine, I'll wait in the car." Alice told him, loud enough for Bella to hear. Bella flopped onto the sofa in the dressing room and had a little strop to herself, punching the pillows.

"Bella?" The dance instructor came out. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, hey Mitch." She said. "Sorry, there was someone bothering me and I didn't know how to get rid of them so I thought I'd let Carlo deal with it for me."

"No problem." The black haired man sat with her. "You want me to call the police? If this person is harassing you…"

"No." Bella sighed. "No, it's okay, she's just annoying me. I used to date her brother and she seems to think that that means that I wanted to talk to her."

"I see." Mitch said, nodding. They were silent for a few seconds. "You want to work on some of your solo stuff? If you're going to do it in front of people we'd better make it good."

"That would be so great." Bella sighed. Mitch and his employees were the only ones apart from Lucy who had heard the stuff she'd written under her own name. Mitch had walked in on her in one of the stress relieving dance sessions once and told her how good it was. He and his friends had learnt the music for them and they practiced sometimes, just for fun.

As she followed Mitch into the dance studio, she ran through every possible way that she could find to try and get the Cullens to stop messing with her. Maybe she should just let Rob kill them all after all.

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Alice walked around the back of the dance studio. She wasn't going to give in; she was going to stick to Bella until either Bella opened up to her or at least accepted her presence. She couldn't see what would happen because Bella simply refused to make a decision either way. She planned to ignore Alice until she went away. At the moment, Alice just saw herself following a fifty year old Bella around, nothing having had changed. It shocked her that Bella could have changed that much - her resolve on ignoring people who loved her was that strong, but Alice wasn't giving up that easily. She had all the time in the world to try and get her best friend back, and she was fully intending on using every second until she did.

Music was drifting out of one of the window around back, and Alice could hear Bella's voice over guitar and violin. Alice ran around to the window and snuck a look. Bella was in there, sitting on a stool with a guitar, which Alice guessed was for the dance lessons. There was another man in there as well, holding a violin, playing with her.

I'm wishing the bath water clean  
She hides in the back and is unseen  
I take off the mask that surrounds me  
Look me in the face  
What do you see  
I feel like a girl the age of 13  
My body grows up  
But my mind stays the same  
Look me in the face  
What do you see?

How do you tell an angel  
That you don't believe in God?  
Why do I feel  
Like such a stranger  
I look around  
I look around  
And all my friends are gone

But oh would you be me?  
Because I would be you  
Oh you'd be happy  
Only if you wanted to  
And how would you treat me?  
Because I would treat you  
Oh you'd be happy  
Only if you wanted to

How do you tell your Father,  
That you want him to notice you?  
Why does this seem like such a bother?  
When mom says you'd be better off dead  
But I want to see you  
I still want to see you  
Oh would you call me?  
Oh it's not hard to  
I'm the first one  
Oh you gave birth to  
And oh would you write me  
On my birthday  
Graduation, was yesterday  
Yesterday  
Oh...

How do you hold the special victim?  
When they push you away  
When they've been  
Raped on the inside  
Torn on the outside  
The dirt and ugly from the stain that they try to hide  
Touched in private places  
Embarrassed faces  
Too scared to ask for help

Oh would you be me?  
Because I would be you  
Oh you'd be happy  
Only if you wanted to  
And how would you treat me?  
Because I would treat you  
You'd be happy  
Only if you wanted to

I'm wishing the bath water clean  
She hides in the back and is unseen  
I take off the mask that surrounds me  
Look me in the face  
What do you see?

**(Angel by Blue October)**

Alice pondered this song, thinking about how it fit into Bella's other songs. She mentioned graduation, and she knew from Edward what had happened to Bella then, an event that tore at Alice's very fibre. She had already been planning Bella's graduation party when they left her, to think that Bella spent the whole day alone...Alice had nearly broken down at the thought of it. Bella's life since they left...Edward had spilled everything to her when he had rung them all and told them she wasn't coming. The others didn't know but...she'd gotten it out of him. She'd wanted to kill him for leaving her, but she had seen that he was punishing himself enough. He was tormented, practically twitching, fighting two different urges, one to respect her wishes and leave her alone, after all he'd inflicted on her, and the other to run to her and take her away from everything. She'd watched him all night, Jasper was crazed by the emotions, and Alice had to help him to help Edward. It had been a tense night, and as the sun rose, Alice made the decision that she was going to get Bella back, because, although she wouldn't mention it to Bella, even Carlisle was worried about whether a vampire could go insane. There was one cure, and it took the form of that incredibly angry woman sitting in that room.

She was thinking this as she still considered the song, comparing it to the other songs that she'd heard written by Bella. It was certainly from the heart, just like the others, but it didn't really fit. Her other songs just were filled with hatred, but this one felt different…it felt like Bella regretted her life, like she wanted to make changes.

Alice took it to mean that, and dared to hope again.

"Do you think she's still outside?" The guy asked. Alice looked back in the window, and saw with a little shock that the song had drained Bella a little. She was paler than she had been, like all her emotion had gone into the song and given her nothing back.

"Oh, I know she is. I could stay here all night and she'd still be outside. All she has is time. Let's just say her and her family don't really like to develop hobbies, unless you call trying to fuck up every single part of my life a hobby."

"So her brother must have hurt you bad for you to not want to see her this much."

"I am so tired with people trying to make me talk about her stupid brother." Bella told him, having recovered a little. She put the guitar down and took up a dance pose in front of the mirrored wall, staring at herself. "He's just another fucking boy, no matter what he and his family think about him." She kicked her leg in the air and pushed away from the wall, spinning gracefully into the middle of the room. The man watched her emotionlessly.

"Sorry." He said. He walked up to her and corrected her stance a little bit mindlessly. Alice had to admit she was impressed with Bella's newfound grace.

"No, I'm sorry, he just…turned up a few days ago and he won't go away. Him or his sister. A lot of my songs are written about them. Once Bitten's discography is about them, in a way. I'm just so angry at them."

"Ouch. Remind me never to piss you off." The guy laughed. "Some of those songs are really harsh." Bella shrugged, unrepentant.

"It's just…they haven't changed at all since the last time I saw them." She sighed, staring at herself in the mirror. "Not that I was expecting them to." She muttered, but Alice didn't think that the man heard. He man put his hands on her shoulders and stared at both of them in the mirror.

"You loved him, didn't you?" It wasn't really a question.

"I was a stupid naïve teenager who was just so grateful that a guy looked at her in that way." Bella looked at the floor.

"So you really loved him then." The guy laughed again and Bella hit him, breaking her pose.

"Maybe." Bella was smiling now. "But it doesn't matter anyway. He decided that he didn't want me and left. I just…I just always thought we'd be forever." She shook her head. "Every teenager's story is exactly the same, first love blah fucking blah. Anyway we dated for six months six years ago. We didn't even sleep together. I've had boyfriends and fallen in love since."

"But he was your first, everyone knows the first cut is the deepest."

"Yeah, that's all it is." Bella shook her head, and Alice didn't know whether the slightly unconvinced look was her own hopeful imaging or whether it had actually grace Bella's face. "But he won't leave me alone now! It's like his family is the mafia, get involved once and you're theirs for life."

"Wow, intense."

"Yeah, but life is just life right? That's just what it is, and all pain just makes us stronger. I really hate him, and I think his sister has this little fantasy where I still love him but I'm just hiding it really well, and nothing I tell her convinces her that I am honestly and truly not in love with her brother." Bella sighed, she seemed to talk to herself now. "Mitch, six years changes so much, yes, he had an effect on my life, yes, part of me will always be vulnerable to him, but it's like you said, he was my first, right? It doesn't mean I belong to him."

"Exactly, Bella, you are most definitely your own person. In the two years I've been teaching you I've seen undeniable evidence that Bella Swan does exactly what she wants and answers only to Bella Swan."

"Thanks Mitch." She turned around to him, and he slid his arms around her waist. "You're a good friend." She slid her hands up his chest, over his shoulders and rested them behind his neck and they kissed. Alice was quite surprised by the passion exerted on each side. It even made her smile a little bit, despite the thoughts of Edward as broken as he is now: Bella really did keep quite a few secrets. She headed back to the car to wait for Bella.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay, this is actually shorter than I thought it was. Sorry for the long update, my dissertation is in, but I've got three exams in the next two weeks and then I'm free and will finish this. I've written about eight chapters ahead...but I HATE it and am deciding what to do about it...I keep changing it, and trying to get back into the emotion study this story was about...I'm trying to make too much happen. **

**This chapter is quite emotional (I wrote it with the aim still in mind) It's quite explosive, and I'm ashamed to say there's quite a lot of my own anger spilling out (anger about people in my life, not the characters) I don't know whether I've expressed this much but I HATE the Bella from the books...but I really identify with this one...so...yeah, just expect an anger chapter...it was a while ago I wrote this one and I don't know WHAT I was on...(not drugs – just say no). Crazy juice or something though.**

**Aw, heck, you don't care about this stuff. Thanks for the reviews, I got excited over everyone, and I promise from now on I'll reply to each one.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_Chapter Ten_

Bella came out a while later, getting into her car without looking at her ex best friend sitting in the passenger seat.

"Got your aggression out?" Alice asked pleasantly. "I liked that song you sang, it was very telling."

Bella didn't say anything to her, just pulling calmly out of the car park and headed out to their next mystery destination.

"Why won't you just admit that you miss us?" Alice asked her, annoyed. "I know you miss us, I missed you everyday."

"Right." Bella nodded her head, her face unreadable. "Shall we sort this out now shall we? Let me guess, you probably live in one of those big houses out in the woods, right?"

"Yeah." Alice said, confused. "You want to go to my house?"

"Sure, why not?" Bella turned to her with an in genuine smile. "If we're having a girl day I'm guessing you want to do a makeover? You want me to come round?"

"S-Sure." Alice was caught off guard, worried now, because Bella was in an odd mood, her thoughts were of Edward, and whether he was home, or whether he'd gone on that extended hunting trip that Emmett and Jasper were talking about taking him on. The future was confused, blurry. She examined Bella, and just couldn't imagine her best friend doing anything that would hurt Edward too much, because, at the end of everything, they were still in love with each other, right?

Right?

She had no choice, though. She'd wanted a day with Bella, doing what Bella wanted to do. That was part of the deal, and she couldn't afford to go back on her deal, not if it cost her Bella.

"Right. Direct me." Bella told her.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

"Jasper!" Bella stormed into the Cullen house, furious. Alice was in tow as she had been all day, but Bella ignored her requests to know what was going on. Alice had given her directions, and seemed to think that this was a good thing, although dubiously, not that Bella cared all that much, she had her plan to make them go away and what did she care about some hurt feelings? Didn't they hurt her so much more than she could ever hurt them? At least they all had each other to try to cry at with their stupid freak tearless golden eyes. She'd checked in the mirror before she left the car that her contacts were decidedly blood coloured, she was completely on Team Rob, she'd pick him over any of these pretentious animal sucking bastards.

"Jasper Hale get your dead ass down here." She shouted again, sighing at the pretentious house that they lived in. Always the same, glass everywhere – the one place they never had to hide – fuck it all. Where was her sanctuary? Even being here was just making her angry, she was going to have to finish that coke tonight and the thought calmed her. She could get more off Mitch, he was always happy to share, especially since Rob was out of town and that meant that their extended fuck sessions in the changing room could go uninterrupted.

"Bella." Carlisle walked out of the living room and spoke in a pleasantly surprised tone. Edward was two steps behind him, although he hung back and watched her through pained eyes. Oh for fucks sake, what was this, a family reunion? (She couldn't help but notice the tortured expression, the rumpled clothes and the more than usually messed up hair, but took that as par for the course for the stupid self flagellating self important virgin freak undead bastard.) The stupid human has got herself into trouble so they've all turned up to try and get her out of it? Was Emmett here? Was Rosalie? Oh…she really wanted to see Rosalie right now, that would be amazing, she'd smack that self satisfied smile off that bitch's face, what would they all do then? Kill her? No…she was too far fucking precious wasn't she? She couldn't even handle a make out session with a vampire, apparently, she just needed to be mollycoddled like she was the freak. Had it occurred to any of them that she, in fact, was one of the few of them that managed to make it into her mid twenties whilst still being alive? Never really occurred to them that they fucked up and died as humans way before she did.

"Uh huh." Bella said distractedly, focusing on her fury for this family and everything they had done, she needed to, right then, because otherwise she was going to go insane. "Carlisle, nice to see you, oh wait, maybe not because I hate you and your entire family, and even though I have EVERY RIGHT to hate your guts it seems that I have to prove it to your, I'm starting to think RETARDED children, who won't leave me alone! JASPER HALE IF YOU DO NOT COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO FUCKING EXPOSE EVERYONE OF YOUR "RELATIVES" FOR THE BLOODSUCKING FREAKS YOU REALLY ARE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!!" Bella screamed.

"So nice to see you again." A cold voice. Bella sneered. Rosalie was glaring daggers at her. "I was right about you, I don't even know what my brother ever saw in you." Oh the satisfaction of seeing that blonde haired bimbo.

"Fuck off Rosalie." Bella said to her, rolling her eyes. "You know, it's funny because I always hated you, you self serving little vain bitch." She rolled her eyes at Rosalie's growl, in full flow of venom. Human venom could do so much more damage than vampire venom and Bella had just realised that with a huge surge of satisfaction. What were they really going to do to her? Kill her? Turn her? It made no difference now, nothing would. "You know you're all so fucking pathetic, thinking you could actually fit in with humans but at the same time thinking you're above us. I saw you all at lunch the first time I was at school back in that hell hole. You were so…_superior_ to everyone else, snobbish, why the fuck do any of you even bother pretending that you're not monsters? You all think you're so perfect, frozen in the prime of your life with perfect looks and so strong and noble, and once I thought that too." There were tears, but they were tears of anger, she hated herself for crying when she was angry, she knew they were going to interpret it wrong. "I would have given anything to be like you, be with you." Her eyes rested on Edward. "But I was a stupid little naïve Virgin Mary who didn't realise, didn't see how sick that was." She paused for effect. "You are freaks, hiding what you are from everyone. I literally didn't move for months after you left me, I physically thought I was going to die, but now I look back on that day you all fucked off as the best day of my life. I never want to be like you pathetic little freaks, if I ever ended up like you sad little people I would kill myself."

"Don't you dare." Alice got in between Rosalie and Bella, pre-empting the blonde. Emmett made a very quick appearance and held Rosalie back. Bella rolled her eyes, wondering just what she needed to do to convince them that she didn't care anymore.

"Oh please, like any of you would dare to kill a human." She spat at them. "Especially not precious little _Bella,_ your little pet human who you all just invited over to play with her emotions and dump her. Just let her in on the secret and fuck off, because what is she really? Just a meat sack, nothing to you bunch of monsters."

"Bella…it wasn't…" Edward tried to choke out, the first thing he'd said. Rosalie cut him off quickly.

"You want to talk monsters, Bella, let's talk about your fuck buddy." She snarled. "Real nice choice, I've heard he's a real piece of work."

"At least he knows what he is." Bella told her. "At least he accepts that he's a leech on humanity and revels in it. He doesn't pretend like there is a higher purpose to his life or something. He doesn't exist like you do – he actually lives. It's funny because you're all always talking about keeping control, always having to keep control around the humans, not even being able to see a human topless without having to kill her, so worried you are about your precious _control._" Bella looked squarely at Edward, who looked like he was about to put a hole in something, either the wall or his head, it didn't seem to matter. _GOOD_. "But Rob doesn't seem to have that problem. I've seen him go on rampages, killing maybe ten people all at once, and then pick me up carry me off and fuck me _hard._" She bit her lip at the memory. "And only give me bruises because he knows I like it." She grinned in satisfaction of the memory, mostly for Edward's torment.

"What is it?" Jasper came walking down the stairs quickly, probably sensing that it was all about to kick off, even Emmett was throwing murderous glances at Bella, his grip on Rosalie slowly becoming looser. He was followed by Esme who was looking distinctly upset. Bella realised that Esme was probably calming him down enough to walk into what was probably not a nice experience for precious little Jazzy, but couldn't summon up enough energy to care.

"Finally." Bella sighed in relief at his presence; she just wanted to be out of there. "Good. You are all here, so maybe now we can settle this once and for all." She shut her eyes and centred herself. "Sorry, I'm just trying to calm myself at the second so that there can be no confusion on this. I want to make this very clear for all of you." She looked up at Jasper, and he nodded. She then walked straight up to Edward, standing very close to him, and stared right into his eyes.

He froze in shock, but she didn't move. She just stood there, almost close enough and for a very confused second everyone thought she was going to kiss him.

She didn't, but after a minute she looked back up at Jasper. "Got it?" Jasper nodded, not trusting himself to speak. "Good. I want to see none of you again." She practically ran out of the door. Alice went to follow her, unwilling to let it phase her, unwilling to ever give up on Bella, but Jasper was at her side in a second and took her arm to stop her.

"Don't Alice, she's telling the truth. She doesn't love him." He told her. "The hatred she has for us is very intense, and she does have every right to have it. You're not going to change anything, you're just hurting her even trying."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. It was a bit of a risk, but I laid it all out there and I'm glad you liked it instead of lynching me. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much, but something tells me you might not...or you might like it more...I'm unsure on it myself, I've been flip flopping about whether to include it or not, but here it is! For your reading pleasure. PLEASE tell me what you think, your opinions would be helpful to form an opinion on some stuff that will happen later on in this.**

_Chapter Eleven_

Edward took Jasper's words stoically. He'd known that it was foolish to hope, and even up to the point she'd walked in the door he did. He'd been sitting on the floor of the living room for what felt was millennia. Carlisle had taken to reading in there with him, his thoughts focused completely on the books, although display a patient willingness to talk about it, when he was ready. Edward felt like he wouldn't be able to talk again. He left without a word to anyone, feeling all the seventeen years he should have lived, slipping out into the forest, the picture of her beautiful angelic face contorted in rage and hatred, all directed at him. Of course she hated him, the pictures and everything, they were just some sort of masochistic package she kept to remind her of her pain. He remembered those bewildering seconds that had passed when she was leant towards him and he'd thought _maybe this is all just a sick joke._ In those milliseconds his mind went into overdrive, telling him that she was just angry at him, she didn't mean any of it and she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

But no, it wasn't. It was her telling him once and for all to fuck off.

Well, that was it then. There was no hope for him and Bella, she never wanted to see him again. He took in a deep breath, and let it out. At least now he knew, he could get some closure. His jaw was incredibly tight, as his body tried to stem tears that wouldn't come anyhow. His fists clenched and with a scream he slammed one into a tree, knocking it over and staring at it, breathing heavily.

"Go away, Jasper." Edward said, not turning around to see his brother who had followed him.

"I just thought..."

"It's okay, Jasper." Edward told him. "I don't need you to help me with this. It's what I wanted anyway, after a fashion." His mind settled on the demonic face of Rob, and he made a cool clear resolve to kill him, and then they would leave Bella alone. It was the same determination that he'd felt when he had hunted James: Rob had to die for Bella to be safe. He would not let his family go with him, he needed to be alone, his mind reading was the only advantage in a sea of disadvantages against the brute. Also, he wanted no one else to know what happened. If Carlisle was ever to know what he'd done...

"Edward it's not that…"

"She'll be fine." Edward told him confidently. "I'll talk to her boyfriend and then we'll leave." Plans began to formulate in his mind. Alice would see, but she knew already, she knew what must be done, didn't she? She loved Bella too...his mind was clouded with thoughts whirling from all directions, different strategies, different times, all with one goal: kill Rob and then Bella would be safe.

"Edward, shut up and listen to me very carefully and for gods sake don't decide anything definitively until I get back to the house to stop Alice." Jasper told him. His tone snapped Edward out of his trance, and he blinked a few times and focused on Jasper. "Bella still loves you, she's in denial, but all those old feelings under there, bolstering the still considerable hatred, or thought I will still call it hurt, that she also feels."

Edward was quiet, his mind still half involved in his plots to kill the demon.

"So what you're saying is…" Edward was still quite confused; he didn't want to trust himself to believe.

"I'm telling you that if you act quickly you probably still have a shot to bring Bella back from the brink of insanity and back to where she's safest: with us – with you." Jasper looked slightly uncomfortable. "You know I don't usually reveal what people are feeling. It's even more intimate than thoughts because you can't help feeling them, but I'm worried about her too. You can save her. I'll try and do damage control with Rosalie." He looked back at the house, and Edward tried to ignore the venomous thoughts coming from his sister. Emmett's thoughts drifted to him also, focused on Rosalie, worried about whether vampires could die from high blood pressure, as Rosalie seemed to be going slightly pink. He couldn't really focus on her now, there was a ray, a shaft of light – something he'd almost let go of: hope. Bella still loved him, she was hurt, of course she was, but he could make that up to her. He'd spend her life making it up to her in any way possible. Once she was back with him he'd kill Rob and then they would live happily, her for the rest of her life and him beside her. He could change her and they could live forever. The future started to glow a bit to him, his chest swelled with it and he relished it as he looked over at Jasper.

"Okay." Edward nodded. "Alright I'm going." He jumped up, and Jasper headed off to stop Alice intervening. Edward ran, making a beeline to Bella's apartment. Going back to get his car may dampen the exhilaration and joy pumping through him. He didn't know whether he would be able to drive but his feet hit a heavy beat on the tarmac as he sped toward his love, no single thought but of her darkening his mind.

BBBBBBBBBBB

Bella arrived home, crying and furious for it. What the hell was she doing? She'd fantasised about that moment for years, finally telling those creeps exactly what she thought: the only human to know about them telling them for the entire human race to fuck off and die. Why was she so upset? Why was everything less bright now? What was she doing now? The day after tomorrow she was going on tour. She was going to cement her place in the history books. Every date sold out, just like the mini tour they had already done. After the country was captivated with her, the world was going to fall at her feet; she will die, the normal human way, a hero. She should be happy. Why the fuck not? Why did she feel so empty, right at the time of her victory?

There was a frantic knocking at the door. She stopped in her musing and looked towards it. Who the hell was that? She walked towards the door and ripped it open. It was Edward. He looked as frantic as the door knocking revealed him to be. His breath was ragged as he stared at her, and she saw his shirt was slightly ripped as if it had been torn by something.

"What the hell do you-." Her question was cut short as he grabbed her and kissed with her a force he never had done before. Stunned she froze, and he pulled back, looking in her eyes, his frantic eyes searching but not showing the least repentance, so sure of his actions. She was furious, raging at his actions, but something like a bubble was rising through this in her stomach, it reached the surface of her seething rage and suddenly it popped and she leaned into him, kissing him back, and he grinned against her lips and picked her up, carrying her into the apartment and they fell onto her sofa. He stretched out on top of her and she revelled in how it hadn't changed: the sparks were there still, she felt seventeen again. Her breath was ragged, her heart was thumping crazily and her body was reacting to his touch as it did for no other. She knew with a certainty she loved him still, and she wasn't surprised by it, and that itself surprised her. Hot tears were still flooding down her cheeks, renewed by this revelation.

"No no no no Bella." Edward told her, wiping her tears but not breaking the kiss for more than a few seconds. "No more tears, ever again." She still didn't stop crying, and she could practically feel his desperation for them to stop. He picked her up again and ran with her upstairs, up to her bed, and lay her on it, positioning himself on top of her.

"Edward what are you doing?" She said, breaking the kiss. He was tugging on her top. "What about your boundaries?"

"Bella you are _mine._" He told her firmly. "I'm not wasting another second without you believing that, so I'm going to show you." He pulled her top off of her and pulled on the zip of her mini skirt. "Plus you are so hot in your little skirt." He kissed her thigh and Bella relaxed, allowing herself the pleasure of his touch, her rightful lover, and could hardly think for the overbearing sense that the world seemed to make sense again.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Bella slept soundly and Edward lay next to her, sorely wishing that he could sleep next to her, or at least read her mind and dream with her. She had been asleep for several hours, and never had he enjoyed it so much, never had he revelled in her body the way he did now, without reservations. His thoughts drifted back to the complete bliss of the night. It had been fantastic, magnificent and absolutely perfect. He was slightly worried about his…technique, god knows she was a lot more experienced then he was, but at the same time he was overjoyed at even having those mundane human feelings. He'd take being an awkward virgin making love to an experienced rock star any day over having to deal with her murderous vampire boyfriend whom he created who was probably going to kill them both.

He bit his lip and looked at her, wondering what they should do next. He'd let her sleep, but they should get going pretty soon, he wanted to be somewhere he could defend her when Rob showed up. His determination had never been so strong, even before when James was torturing him with images of Bella in pain, even when those images came to life, never had he had so much cold rage – Rob would die by his hand, of that he was sure.

His phone rang, and he was across the room answering it before it rang twice and woke up Bella. It was Alice. He grabbed his boxers and headed out to the balcony to talk to her.

"What?" He hissed at her.

"Hee hee." Alice was giggling with glee. "You and Bella sitting in a tree…"

"F-U-C-K-I-N-G!" Someone shouted in the background.

"Shut up Emmett!" Alice told him, and there was a loud bang, following by Emmett's booming laugh. "Anyway, I thought I'd ring and tell you that Rob isn't coming back until tomorrow morning, so you and Bella have the whole day, or at least you have the day to convince her to come back to you."

"She still needs convincing?" Edward asked dumbly. He'd felt her changing last night, she softened to him. Surely she was convinced now that they were meant to be.

"Well, at the moment I see her being reluctant, at best." Alice said, in a way that told Edward there was something she wasn't telling him.

"What is it?" Edward asked. "What's she going to do?"

"I don't know." Alice sighed. "I wish either of you would actually make a decision, just anything, all this living for the moment is very tiring for me."

"Well I'm so sorry for you, sister." Edward told her ironically, making a decision.

"You will not! That clothes collection took me decades to amass!"

"I decided that if you didn't leave this alone for a while then I would burn your clothes, so if that's what you're seeing you should look at your own decisions!" He told her triumphantly. He revelled in his high spirits, and Alice seemed to let the jibe slide on account of his good mood. She was pleased for him, and he was pleased for himself. He was being a little childish, but the sentiment was there: Jasper had told him that anyone else's involvement would be certain to screw this up, and he wasn't going to do that for anything.

"Oh fine, Edward, but you better not screw this up! Not when we are so close to getting her back!"

"How is the family after her outburst yesterday?" He asked cautiously. If he was going to do this, he needed to know which of them was going to behind them, he couldn't going to ask them to go up against Rob to protect her after what Bella had said to them, no matter what the reasons were. He might well die in the attempt and he needed to know she would be protected.

"Well, Jasper explained what she was feeling." Alice said carefully. "Esme's devastated, so is Carlisle. They want Bella back more than ever, neither of them knew about what she's been through either, I filled in that bit." She said this a little miserably, and Edward realised with a shock that she told them about Rob. Shame flooded him for a second before sucked it back in and listened to the rest of what Alice had to say. "Emmett's already forgiven her, you know he loves her as much as I do, he seems to have completely forgotten what happened yesterday, to be honest. He has other things on his mind." Alice sound exasperated.

"She made my boy a man!" Emmett shouted in the background again. "My brother fucked a rock star!" Edward heard something being thrown.

"Rosalie…well, you know what Rosalie's like."

"Yeah, she'll probably kill Bella herself anyway." Edward nodded.

"I'll try and talk to her, but she's being difficult." Alice told him. "Go, Bella will be awake soon."

"Yeah! Morning sex is going to blow your mind!"

"Goodbye." Edward snapped the phone shut without acknowledging that last remark and went back inside. Bella wasn't in bed. His forehead wrinkled, and he went downstairs to find her in his shirt sitting at her piano which was situated directly below her bed under the balcony. She didn't notice him, and he stood back and watched what she was going to do.

She sighed, and ran her fingers along the keys expertly, and then shook herself and began to sing as she played a slow sweet melody.

I changed my colour for you  
I shed my coat with caution  
I lack the beauty you display  
See here there are the bruises  
And some were self-inflicted  
And some showed up along the way  
So I nod my head  
I'm ready for the world to see  
The secret I kept here inside the girl you thought I'd be  
Slip into coma calm  
The coma where I calm myself down  
Here comes excuses why I let you down

Stand by for another breakdown  
Sound off the alarm  
Is this the chameleon girl I swore I wouldn't become  
Chameleon girl  
Chameleon girl

So now we've come upon the hardest thing I've ever done  
Its telling you that I'm a mess  
What sort of mess I mean  
Is self-destructive gasoline  
The kind that strips you of your best  
And while I play instead the way that most would end up dead  
You sleep alone at home and wish that I were in our bed  
With this I'm telling you  
My colour changes back to blue  
How do I ask you this  
Will you help me through

Stand by for another breakdown  
Sound off the alarm  
Is this the chameleon girl I swore I wouldn't become  
Stand by for another breakdown  
Sound off the alarm  
Is this the chameleon girl I swore I wouldn't become  
Chameleon girl  
Chameleon girl

I try to think of all the people I look up to  
Or growing up who would I be  
Now the twisted part  
Where'd all my idols end up  
They all passed away  
Passed away

Stand by  
Its chameleon girl  
Stand by  
Its chameleon girl  
Chameleon Girl  
I'm chameleon girl...  
Chameleon girl...

**(Chameleon Boy – Blue October slightly altered)**

"Is that a new hit?" Edward asked, a smile playing on his lips. Bella jumped at his voice.

"No actually, I wrote it for Jacob, quite a few months after you left." She whispered. "Just after we slept together for the first time and I freaked out and ran off, needing more time, hating that I was two different people, one he wanted and one he should have hated but didn't, they were both the same to him, the girl that loved him and the one that was still shell of herself. I reacted badly, and Charlie wouldn't let him in the house for a while, I sort of…reverted to my zombie days." She put her arms around her waist, seeming to be worried that her organs were going to fall out or something, it was an odd pose, and Edward watched her with concern, but stayed silent, allowing her to finish her story. "He stood vigil outside my window every night, one night in the pouring rain, until Charlie went out there and told him to get his damn fool ass in the house."

"Your zombie days?" He asked.

"Nothing." She whispered. "Just old memories, they hardly even matter anymore." She shook herself and smiled up at him. He walked forward, putting his arms around her, marvelling at that simple act that he could now do, after so long, trying to show her that the past means nothing to him, only she meant anything, just her in his arms. She stiffened, and then stood up, pushing his arms off of her, walking away from him into the kitchen.

"What's up?" He asked, following her.

"Just leave it Edward." She said coldly, reaching into her fridge and pulling out some eggs.

"No, Bella, we need to talk about this now." He seated himself at the counter. "I'm not waiting another six years."

"We're not talking about this now." She told him, whisking the eggs and pouring them into a frying pan, making herself an omelette.

"When, then?" Edward asked her petulantly.

"Look, Edward." She sighed, putting the spatula down. She took a deep breath and was silent for a few seconds, and then her shoulders set in a way that terrified Edward, although he wasn't sure why. She turned to him. "Last night was nice, sure, and if I thought you would want some I would offer you some eggs, possibly a morning after quickie and show you the door."

"Just like one of the guys from the bars." He said bitterly. Bella shrugged and turned away from him. "I'm pretty sure we both know it was more than that."

"Really? Was it?" Bella asked him. "It was what it was, which was nice, but that's it, okay? You're not fuck buddy material. You get too attached."

"No, Bella, I was sort of hoping for a lot more than that." He told her, outraged.

"And I've made it clear many times that I don't want you back." Bella sighed, throwing the eggs onto a plate and stomping over to her table. "I'm sorry if you thought anything else…I was thinking of this as a closure thing, a goodbye we never got, I guess. Apart from you fucking off into those ugly boring woods." He watched her as she began to fork the eggs into her mouth, trying to sense whether she was joking or not. Seconds ticked by and with them ticked his sanity.

"Bella, I'm not going away!" Edward told her, infuriated and not just a little hurt. Devastated was more the word.

"That's fine." Bella shrugged. "I'm going away soon."

"You are?" He asked, slightly panicked. Was Rob going to change her? Is that why she needed the closure now?

"Yeah, my tour? Tomorrow I'm on the road for a few months, and then I'm coming back for like a week and then we're going round the world." She raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "You can stay wherever you want, although if you're still here when Rob gets back later he'll probably kill you straight out." Her tone was neutral, did she really not care? Was last night just a closure thing? Had she detached the action from the emotion so much that even he was just another fuck? He wouldn't – couldn't – think that. It was more to her too, it must have been.

"Bella, please." Edward was pleading with her. "We need to talk about last night."

"Fine." She said. "How was it for you? I enjoyed it. You did well, for a virgin, I'm assuming, considering the bloodlust you were probably struggling against."

"What?" Edward was completely off balance. "Bella we made love…"

"Edward, we had _sex._" Bella finished her eggs and placed the plate in the sink. "That was it. Nothing has changed."

"Bella, everything has changed!" Edward shouted.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Edward." Bella said quietly. "But for me it hasn't. It's just the way I feel, and I'm sorry, you and I don't work."

"But you and _Rob_ do?" Edward asked.

"Rob understands me." Bella shrugged. "Rob lets me do my own thing, doesn't crowd me day and night with his desperate need to be with me. He doesn't spend every night in my bed watching me sleep, which was always a little creepy, by the way. In fact, I don't think he ever stays here, really. He comes round, might watch some movies whilst I catch on some sleep, but he doesn't hold me whilst I sleep, not even when it's hot, he goes to his place, I've got air conditioning. He just understands me, alright, that's all you need to know."

"So you can work out with a killer but not with me?" Edward was glad he couldn't cry. He felt like a spurned teenage girl the day after Prom. Bella shrugged. "Bella I love you, always have."

"I know." Bella told him, her voice was suddenly a little hoarse. "It's the main reason I've hated you for so many years. I had myself believing that I was so disgusting that even people who loved me couldn't stand to be around me."

"Bella that was never my intention, to make you feel like that!" Edward told her. "Every day I thought about coming back to you."

"I don't want to hear it, Edward." Bella shook her head. "What did you expect? For me to wake up this morning full of love and forgiveness and forget everything and run away with you? Live with you and your family? I'm going to be older than Esme soon, older than all of you, you think I want that? To be the dumb clumsy human with the red face in a house full of unchanging perfect vampires, never sleeping, never changing, just drifting from place to place with me tagging behind, quietly going to the grave? You should have changed me when you had the choice, when I wanted it."

Edward was silent.

"Six years is a long time to me." She told him. "Maybe it isn't to you, I don't know, but to me it's practically been a lifetime, and I've come to a realisation. I don't want to be a vampire. You were right, I don't want it, I was a stupid girl caught up in what I thought was a fairy tale but it was really a horror story." She walked over to the window and stared out. "I've thought about it so much, and I can't imagine what I could want less. To be frozen, never to die, drifting pointlessly from place to place, knowing that nothing will ever change, that this was my life forever and ever, being among humans but never truly being with them." She shook her head again, as if trying to shake the thought. "You were right, all I needed was time to come to my senses. I want a life, Edward, I want to make my mark, I want to reach out to people and touch them with my music, and then I want to grow old, satisfied that I've been everything I want to be and die." She looked at him. "I might want children, some day, I want to get married and I want to grow old with someone, and to be able to look back and think I really was something." She shook her head. "Even if I did want you, Edward, I'm twenty four and you're technically a minor."

"Bella…I…"

"Look, Edward, I'm sorry you didn't pick up on what this was. I knew it was your first time, and the first cut goes the deepest and all that, but I just don't love you the way I did. I guess Jasper picked up on my emotions and misinterpreted them. What would he know? He was in the army and then he found Alice. Love was always simple for them, I can't think of someone who would understand less." She sighed. "Sure I love you, Edward, as much as I always did, but this isn't going to happen."

They were both silent for a bit. Bella walked towards her open staircase.

"Well, the offer of the morning after quickie still stands if you want it, but afterwards you really have to go." She took off his shirt and threw it at him, walking up the stairs naked.

"Oh god." Edward felt himself filling with desire, memories of the night before flooding him, but the pain was too sharp. "I think I'll just go."

Bella shrugged and watched him pull on his clothes without a word. He looked at her, taking her in for the last time, and then left, feeling violated and humiliated.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Okay, so I really suggest you listen to the song that features in this chapter, because I listened to it a lot when writing this fic and trying to get into Bella's headspace. It's called HRSA and is by (once again) Blue October, and is brilliant, although you should really just go and get the album and listen to all of it because if you love the messed up angst of this fic you're going to love a look around Justin's head. I've given you a taste wth the lyrics, but there are so many more songs and every one is amazing. I dreamed Bella's video, which just goes to show that I'm insane to the very core of my existence now, doesn't it?**

**This is Edward slowly breaking down, as he would be, as he should be. He may be a vampire but that doesn't mean he's infallible.**

**I need advice on where people think this fic is going, because the stuff I've written seems good to me, but might seem a little outlandish to you, and I don't want to let you down when we've gotten this far already.**

**Also, in the last 10 days 97 people have viewed this story, and only a few have reviewed. Thank you to the few that did review, especially my fans from the beginning who review every chapter, but is it vain to want to know what everyone thinks of this?**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, don't own Blue October. **

_Chapter Twelve_

Edward arrived home, dragging his feet. As soon as he got through the door he was descended on.

"He's back!" Emmett shouted as soon as he came through the door and tackled him to the floor. He couldn't be bothered to stop him, so he just lay there under his brother's tickles, trying to ignore the teasing. "You'll be in all the magazines tomorrow! Pictured coming out of Bella Swan's house early in the morning."

"That's a point." Alice asked, as she walked up thoughtfully behind them. "Why are you back so early? Was she that easy to convince?"

"No." Edward said dully, and pushed Emmett off him. He saw that Rosalie and Jasper were also there, Rosalie looked pissed off and Jasper looked sympathetic, feeling Edward's feelings but not mentioning it to the others. Edward stared into Jasper's eyes, and Jasper nodded. "Not exactly." He started walking slowly towards his room at human speed, just too drained to walk faster.

"Uh uh." Emmett grabbed him by the back of his shirt and pulled him back down the stairs. "We want details."

"Leave it Emmett." Jasper told him, his eyes on Edward. Edward felt happy vibes waft over him. _What happened?_

"She said it was a closure thing." Edward spat out, not looking at any of them. "She doesn't want me, she just used me."

"She _used_ you?" Emmett snorted out. Rosalie and Alice growled at him.

"Yeah, Emmett." Edward looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry we can't all be mauled by a bear and find everlasting happiness with the love of our lives."

"Edward…I'm so sorry!" Alice told him, and ran over to hug him. He caught her and held her at arm's length.

"You know what, Alice? I can't be bothered to go through this with you. I don't want your sympathy, I don't need you all to tell me how sorry you are and have to endure you all thinking 'how lucky I am that I have you' tonight when you're all alone with each other." He glared at them. "Save it, I fucked up, my one chance at happiness and I fucked up and now she's hanging around with a guy that's going to kill her when he feels like it and she doesn't want me. She welcomes death if it means not being with me and who can blame her? I hurt her so deeply. It was so easy for all of you, you found each other on your deathbeds, and you are all happy and I'm alone so don't give me sympathy. Just don't care at all, how about that? Just none of you care." He told them, throwing Alice at Jasper and turning on his heel, running for the sanctuary of his room.

"Edward, you're not giving up?" Alice had followed him, beating off Jasper's attempts to stop her. "You can't give up!"

"Yeah, well I have." Edward growled at her. "I can't do this anymore, I can't just keep getting hurt, she doesn't want me!"

"Of course she does…this is _Bella_. We have to rescue her, and even if she doesn't want us in her life, we will _still _protect her, because we love her."

"If we love her, when we should let her go." Edward said, drained and exhausted. "There's nothing more we can do."

"You can't say that!" Alice shouted at him. "I won't let you say that!"

"She's going on tour tomorrow with him!" He shouted back. "She's going for months! Who knows what is going to happen! She could come back a vampire, if she comes back at all! She told me she doesn't want to see me again, and what do I do about that? As your vision of her as a vampire come back to you? Is your future at eternal best pals back in the picture?"

Alice was silent.

"Well, then." Edward said, triumphantly. "There is nothing I can do and there is no way out so just leave it and go away and be with Jasper and let me deal with my own problems!"

Alice stared at him.

"Get out!" Edward shouted at her and pushed her out of the room, slamming the door in her face.

BbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbBbB

The rain was pouring, thundering down, with more water than air in the atmosphere. Bella watched it moodily from her position on her sofa. She'd had plans that day, and now they were ruined. She sighed, resigning herself to doing some music writing, enjoying her space, she'd be living in a bus for the next few months.

Rob stalked in, letting himself in without knocking, water coming off him in sheets.

"Hey!" Bella protested, and Rob grinned, shaking his hair out on her and she squealed. He ran upstairs to the bathroom and grabbed himself a towel to dry himself off. She heard her hairdryer being abused as well, and she rolled her eyes as a newly dry Rob came down the stairs and jumped over the back of the sofa and landed next to her.

"Hello love." He smirked at her. "All ready for tomorrow then?"

"Yes." She told him. "Are you?"

"Yeah." Rob replied. "I'll have to go proper hunting again about half way through, but apart from that I think I'll be fine."

"Good. We've already had to find two new guitarists when you didn't hunt enough." She reminded him and he rolled his eyes.

"Anything interesting happen whilst I was gone?" He asked.

"No." Bella shrugged. "The Cullens seemed to be convinced, however."

Rob said nothing, but nodded with a strange expression.

"I hate the rain." She spat.

"I know." He put his arm around her and hugged her to his cold chest. "You'd better go get some rest soon anyway. You need at least 7 hours, isn't it? We're leaving at 4am. Unless you want an all nighter…I've got some stuff that will keep you up all night."

"Nah." Bella shrugged. "Save it for the tour. I could do with a proper trip tomorrow night, I reckon."

"Well it's sorted." He patted his breast pocket.

"Right." Bella kissed him, grinning and inspecting his handsome face. "I'm going to bed, want to join me?"

"Not this time, love." He told her. "You need your rest." He patted her gently on the behind as she stood up, stretched, revealing a lot of thigh in the oversized T-shirt she was wearing, and then wandered up the stairs. Rob watched her go, and then turned back to the film she was watching, thoughts slowly clicking around his head.

His scent was all over her, regardless of the multiple showers she had taken, under the perfume of the shower gel it lingered all over her skin. Rob nodded to himself as he considered that fact and settled in to watch the rest of the film Bella had been watching.

EeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeEeE

Edward had fallen backwards onto the bed he'd put into his room after he slammed the door on Alice, and that's where he had stayed. He was barely aware of days passing, but his stupid mind was keeping track, just like always. Three days since he moved he heard his door slam open and the dancing footsteps of his sister walk over to the bed and hop onto it, curling her legs under her. She was followed in by someone, heavier footsteps, possibly Jasper. Edward didn't pay attention and no one actually spoke to him, both of their thoughts were blank. The other sat down on the other side of him, carrying something rustling. He knew from the thoughts of his family that Jasper and Emmett had become bored of Chicago, only staying to support him, Carlisle not wanting to move him in his catatonic state, and in their boredom they'd started to eat human food, daring each other to do it. Esme was not pleased, as they kept throwing up into the toilets and making a general mess. Carlisle was unconcerned, it could do them no real damage, but Emmett had picked up the habit of eating crisps all the time in a bid to beat Jasper which disgusted Rosalie who had gone to Paris on an extended shopping trip to get away from it. In one of his more salient moments, he realised that his behaviour was not helping with Rosalie's mood. She wanted to go back to Alaska but wouldn't leave Emmett, who was determined to stay, no matter how boring it was.

Alice went for the remote to his TV and flicked it on.

_"Here, in the first location of her tour, Bella Swan will be talking to us in-."_

Only Edward's hand moved as he grabbed the remote from Alice and flicked it off again. Alice took it from him again and switched it back on again, and this time he was restrained by Emmett, who was the other on the bed, who pinned his hands to his side and forced him into a sitting position, so that he could see the TV, holding him there with one hand and eating crisps with the other.

"I don't want to watch it." Edward told them.

"Tough." Alice told him and wrinkled her nose at Emmett. "Could you please stop that? It's truly disgusting." Emmett shrugged, and continued eating.

"I've only got to eat this and three more packs to beat Jazz." He told her. "Then he's my little bitch for a year."

"You've driven Rosalie out of the continent with this." Alice told him.

"She'll be back, with plenty of clothes." Emmett shrugged, but he put the bag on the floor next to the bed and hooked his arm around his brother to better keep him sitting. Edward was not resisting, but refused to sit of his own account and was staring at the floor, ignoring the TV. "Oh no, brother, you watch lover girl." He grabbed Edward's chin and forced his face upwards to the television.

_Bella, complete with miniskirt and thigh length boots and a bikini top under a open white shirt was sitting on the sofa of some entertainment show. She smiled around at everyone and waved._

_"Bella Swan!" The presenter held his hands out to her and she shook his hand. _

_"Hello hello!" She said, a huge grin on her lips. "Wow, this is exciting." She said to the presenter, picked up by their sharp hearing._

_"Bella Swan." The presenter repeated after the crowd had stopped clapping. "You know I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. I actually saw you sing right here in New York a few years ago at a club."_

_"Did you?" Bella smiled and pretended to hide her face. "Oh, that's embarrassing!"_

_"No, you were excellent!" The presenter laughed._

_"Well, it paid the rent." Bella laughed as well._

_"Also, there was a video of yours that I quite like, sort of brings us into what makes up Bella Swan if you will, you wrote a song about going into rehab."_

_"Yes." Bella nodded, serious now and nodding. "At twenty two I went into rehab after a problem with drugs."_

_"Are you off them now?" The presenter jumped into the question. Bella laughed._

_"I'm a good girl now, on that front anyway." She told him_. Edward felt a growl spill over from his lips at this barefaced lie. Bella had gotten good at telling lies. She was still grinning, her face like an angel's, at the presenter.

_"Do you mind if we play the video?" The presenter asked. "At the end of the show I want to play that video because it's in threat of getting lost what with all your work with your band Once Bitten Never Shy, you see, because it's a solo work isn't it?"_

_Bella nodded. "I wrote it obviously in rehab after meeting my boyfriend Rob, and I made the video as a sort of one off just before the band got formed."_

_"I see. I hear there is a lot of solo stuff coming out this year?" _

_"Where did you hear that?" Bella laughed, pretending to be shocked. "I'm going to kill my agent."_

_"But is it true?" The presenter asked, grinning._

_"Well, sort of. I'm doing a small invite only event after this tour, and we'll see about releasing it. It's all sort of personal, you see, not a lot of people have heard it."_

"I wonder." Alice said as they watched. "I bet that song she was playing with that Mitch guy is one of her solos."

_"I see." The presented went on. "So you're going to show that you don't just hate everything in existence?"_

_"Well, I guess the mood of the solo stuff is probably a lot softer then the Once Bitten stuff...it only expresses a mild dislike of everything."_ She and the presenter laughed and dully Edward noticed how shiny her hair was, how well her clothes fitted her, how happy she seemed. She was doing a lot better without him. The thought made him want to lie on his bed for the rest of eternity and never move. As she and the presenter cheerily exchanged quips he wondered dully whether he could die of starvation.

"No." Alice saw his decision, and replied quite matter-of-factly. He could see in her mind him lying on his bed throughout the ages, but never dying. He also saw in her mind the calm knowledge that it wasn't going to happen. She and Emmett weren't going to let him.

_"Okay, so we're out of time now." The presenter went on. "Can I show the video now?"_

_"Play away." Bella said, smiling. "Just remember, everyone, it was a long time ago and I was way past sanity." She pointed to herself and they all laughed. _

_"Okay, here we go." The presenter said. "This is HRSA."_

_The scene started in a cluttered little room with two beds, Bella sitting at a table next to the window, wearing a shabby dressing gown, filthy pyjamas and slippers. It was obviously some time ago, as her hair was longer and its original colour._

Comitted at twenty two  
Just to get over you  
My belly aches blue  
Lorazepam flu  
I'm down for the count  
Always three times a day  
Sometimes four

_Bella laughed a little crazily._

A bee stings right through the arm  
The high swing I ride upon  
My eyes can't quite focus on  
The nurse with my Lucky Charms

_A curt looking nurse came into the room and Bella got up and started doing a little dance, smiling madly._

Well a two step was just a laugh  
Our boundaries were broke in half  
It's a good thing to know  
As you walk into group for the show

_Bella ran out of the room into the corridor the nurse had just come from, but on the other side was a stage in front of a screaming crowd, and Bella began to sing through the mic there, unconcerned by the change._

knock-knock on the window pane

_The scene changed again, and Bella was back in her room in Forks, or a close approximation, and then gets out of her bed and ran to the window, her face alight with a happy glow. As she got there, the scene behind her changed, and she was back in the cluttered room, leaning out of the window, dejected and smoking a cigarette._

My smoke break, the hour rang  
My quiet roommate sleeps the same  
Woke up when dinner came

_Bella ran over to the other bed in her room, in which Rob was lying with his eyes shut. Suddenly they opened, the camera zoomed in on them, going past the red of his irises and showing green meadow and then a man that looked a lot like Edward, turning around and looking over at silhouettes of another six people, whilst Bella sang over them._

The man's no more than forty old  
Arrived scared two days ago  
A family of earth and gold

_The camera zoomed out again until they were looking out at Bella sitting at the horror stricken Rob's bedside, holding his hand and her own head. _

But still not the less alone

_Suddenly Bella was lying on a deserted street, rain pouring down on her as she lay in a long satin dress. Three indistinct shadows were walking towards her in the fog that surrounded her._

I learned quick. Knew what to say  
Then three angels walked my way

_The three figures approached her, two men and a woman. Even though their figures stay shrouded in shadows, it was obvious by there appearance that they were meant to be Alice, Carlisle and Edward. As the reached her they knelt and placed their hands on her head._

In Spanish tongue they knelt to pray  
And said "God keep her safe  
From screaming voices"  
They became my family  
Outstretched their hands are on my head  
You know boy, I can feel them breathing

_The one that appeared to be Edward picked her up and the other two kissed her forehead and surrounded her, smiling and readjusting her hair. She looked up at them with trusting eyes._

They actually knelt down and prayed for me  
They actually knelt down and prayed for me

_The Edward lookalike swung her around in his arms, and then dipped her, looking as if he was going to kiss her, but at the last moment dropped her, and she fell through the road, and kept on falling into a great hole, screaming as she went, her screams turning into maniacal laughter, and then she fell into the chair she had been sitting in at the beginning, her hair dry and in the same filthy night clothes she'd been in. She glared at the nurse, who was watching her with a harsh expression._

Don't you dare put me on H.R.S.A  
Does self abuse extend your hospital stay?  
I think I'll lie a bit

_Then she was alone on the raining street again, dancing all alone, soaking wet and in her dress, just spinning around and around and smiling._

Lord I won't cry over anything  
Over anything at all  
I won't cry over anything at all

_She continued to dance in the rain until the end of the song, and then as it faded it was revealed that she was crying._

Alice switched off the television and turned to her brother, inspecting him as he sagged in Emmett's hold, and sighed. It was not lost on any of them that they featured prominently in that video, and Alice knew it would only have served to increase Edward's depression.

"You need to go hunting." She told him.

"Why?" He asked dully.

"Because you need to snap out of it." Alice told him. "Bella will be back in three months and-"

"We won't be here." Edward told her.

"What?" Emmett said. "We're going to be here."

"No." Edward told them all. "I can't stand it anymore, we have to go."

"But it's Bella!" Alice said, horrified. "You're not giving up on her! I'm telling you that now. No giving up!"

"It's too late, Alice." Edward shook his head. Alice put thoughts in his mind of Bella, her smiling, them kissing. "Stop it." Edward said, but got assaulted by another picture, the woods surrounding Forks, that clearing they used to play baseball in. "Stop it!" Edward roared at her, turning to her, but found that Alice's face was blank: she was having a vision, probably brought on by all the thoughts of Bella, as there Bella was, present day Bella, but with a slight bruise on her cheek.

He was quiet, watching the vision with her. She was looking determined, as she walked up to a group of people, all wearing black cloaks. Three very familiar figures were standing in front, and Bella was talking towards them without hesitation, although it looked like her hands were shaking. It was Edward's worst nightmare, Bella in the clutches of the vampire royalty – Bella with the Volturi.

"When?" Edward asked urgently, sitting up of his own accord now. Alice came out of the vision and blinked, trying to concentrate.

"It's after she comes back from the tour, I think...I think that's when..." Alice said, her forehead wrinkling as she desperately sought for details. She focused on the vision and found that Rob was there, looking anxious and angry.

"What happens next?" Edward asked, as the vision stopped as Bella reached the Volturi leaders, who were watching her with grim faces.

"I...I don't know." Alice said, getting more and more upset herself. "It stops there. Like it just switches off."

"What is it?" Emmett asked, unable to keep quiet any longer.

"Bella is going to run afoul of the Volturi." Edward's voice was hoarse. "They will kill her for knowing about us."

"You know what we need to do then." Emmett stood up. "We need to stop it."

Alice and Emmett watched Edward's face carefully. He nodded.

"Of course we need to stop it." He said. "Bella's in trouble and we're going to save her whether she likes it or not."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So...this chapter is piecemeal and sort of annoying to write. I can't get it how I want it so this will have to do. It's all coming together now, anywho. I wrote it at a request to see some of Bella's tour and events have been moved around a bit so you'll have to forgive if it doesn't entirely make sense. I apologise about the fact that it doesn't really show that much of the tour either, but to be honest it doesn't really add much more to the plot to write in detail, so I've added some of Bella's mindset in to keep you happy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_Chapter Thirteen_

"Is everyone having a good time?" Bella asked, and the crowd went wild. "That's cool. So, this is the start of our _Fu*k the Diamonds _tour and we're very excited about it and we hope you are too because we love you." The audience screamed their appreciation and then Bella nodded at the guitarist who struck up the beginning to _Venom._

After the show, Bella was accosted by reporters and flashes from photographers. She ignored them but took the towel from the stage hand to mop the sweat from her body, heading with Rob back to the tour bus. Once inside the tinted glass haven she flopped on the sofa and sighed. The arena had been packed, and she'd never done a gig that big before. It was exhilarating and she knew it was but a taste of what was to come. It was freedom, like the pulse of a heartbeat and she controlled it. It was the ultimate satisfaction, she was powerful now, she was someone, and she had never felt so _human._

"Get me a hit." She said to Rob, who was already on the same page, bringing out the cutting board and lining up the powder. Bella took two and then went to hop in the shower to get rid of the sweat and change. She was buzzing too hard from the gig to sleep and she didn't want to sit still, so she was going out.

"Let's get out of here." She said, appearing from the little shower room dressed in a mini dress and high heeled boots. "I can't stand the smell in here."

"Yeah, me either." Rob said, standing and grabbing his leather jacket.

**

Everything was light. Bella wondered whether she should be frightened by it, whether she should shy away, but she couldn't make her body do it. Her eyes were as wide as they could go. She got vague impressions that some of the lights were people, dancing around her in time with the overwhelming musical beat. It was heaven. There was nothing better than this, there was nothing _but _this.

Her eyes focused on a figure coming towards her, holding sparklers. It was Rob, and she felt her lips upturn. He handed her one of the sparklers and lifted her in one arm, pressing her to his hip. She grinned at him and played with the sparkler, immersing herself in the beautiful colours, spinning around her like emotions. She could hear light, see music, touch emotions and it was glorious.

Later Bella lay on a rooftop, tasting the rain on her skin as she laughed. Suddenly, her phone went off and she sat up, taking it out of her soaked pocket and looking at the caller ID. Perplexed, she answered it.

"Hello?"

With an increasing feeling of sobriety and solemnity, Bella listened.

**

It was sunny, but that just meant that conditions in the tour bus were even more stifling, even with all the windows open. Bella sat in the window seat and stared at the road passing. New York behind them, three nights and three packed out arenas, and now they were driving west, back to Chicago but not staying there, heading instead for Minnesota. She tried not to dwell on the fact that in two weeks time she'd be in Washington again, even if it was only for one night. She'd stipulated that when they were planning the tour, she'd go in, do her thing and leave the next morning, heading down the West Coast.

The boys were all playing cards at the table, and apart from the music playing it was quiet in the tour bus. They were all quite hung over from the after party at the last gig in New York, and Bella was no exception. She sat and dwelled on that mysterious phone call she'd received a few days earlier. She clutched her bag, thinking about the file that was contained in it, her heel clicking on the floor in line with her thoughts as the time ticked by.

**

Edward, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Esme sat in council around the dining table, the only time the room was ever used for anything but extra space. Emmett had thrown away the crisps – there were more important things to think about. Edward sat with his head in his hands, wondering just how much more his existence could mess things up for everyone. Alice's vision was very clear – Bella walks into the arms of the Volturi and they kill her.

"Willingly?" Carlisle asked again, as they were making sure that they all knew where they stood.

"Reluctantly." Alice amended, thinking about it, her thoughts of Bella's trembling hands and terrified face assaulted Edward once again. "But she isn't dragged; she's resolved to go to them. There are people there, telling her not to go, but she doesn't turn back." _Sorry, Edward._ She said to him mentally.

"What does this mean?" Esme asked. "Why would Bella do such a thing?" Her voice was trembling and Edward knew that Esme still thought of Bella as her daughter, even after all these years.

"Probably to get back at me." He said, dully. "She's going to end her life just to spite me, in the worst way possible."

"You can't think that." Alice said to him. "There must be a reason."

"She isn't surprised, Alice – she knew they were going to be there." Carlisle interjected quietly. "We may have to look at this as us saving Bella from herself."

"She wouldn't kill herself!" Alice stood up. "She doesn't hate us that much! She can't!"

"Alice, worst case scenario is what we're looking at." Emmett told her. Jasper was surveying his wife, the utter turmoil of her emotions, and quietly calming her. She sighed, smiled at him and took her seat, taking his hand.

"What ifs and buts here are irrelevant." Jasper said quietly. "We need a strategy to stop Bella ever getting in contact with the Volturi, and hopefully to stop her from disclosing so many secrets about us so they won't come looking."

Carlisle nodded. "I have a feeling that Bella will never listen to us." Edward snorted his opinion of that. Carlisle gave him a hard look and then turned back to the table. "We need to get someone who she might listen to, someone who understands the real danger she may be in."

"You mean someone like a guy who turns into a wolf and fucked her up almost as much as lover boy did?" Emmett asked nodding over at Edward, who was glaring at Carlisle now in shock.

"I know it's a long shot, but that is what I am suggesting."

"She's spoken to him recently." Alice piped up, looking happier now a plan was forming. "She told me he keeps turning up and trying to drag her back to Forks."

"Then he should be willing to help us, assuming..." Carlisle looked over at Edward.

"Assuming I can convince him that I'm not going to hurt her again?" Edward nodded. "I'll try."

**

Seattle was fast approaching, and it was weighing heavily on Bella's heart as they reached Montana. It had been a month since she left Chicago and her mood swings were getting on everyone's nerves. She knew that but at the same time had little energy to care. They were performing almost every night and none of them really had any energy, except for the one that didn't need sleep. Rob was quiet, for him, and they hadn't spoken or been alone together since the night she took the phone call. If he knew something was wrong he didn't mention it. Bella knew he was going hunting in Montana, and kept saying to the others that he was going to bag himself a cowgirl. None of them really understood, but Bella studied him carefully, her mind going off in explosions.

**

"Daddy!" The little boy came running up to Jacob and Jacob picked him up, grinning at his son. "Wrestle time!" The kid tried to put his father into a headlock and Jacob fell over backwards, pretending that the boy had got him. They play tussled for a few minutes, but the little boy pinned him. "Winner!"

"You're just too good for me, Billy." Jacob told him, sighing theatrically. "Come on, let's go and see what mummy's cooked up for us!"

"I'm hungry!" Billy shouted as he ran towards the house.

"You're always hungry!" Kelly appeared at the door to their little house and smiled at her boys. Jacob walked to her and kissed her on the forehead and entered the house, flopping on the sofa and switching on the TV. "There was post for you today."

Jacob got up and followed Kelly into the kitchen, alerted by her tone of voice. She handed him a letter and he immediately recognised the handwriting.

"Thanks." Jacob told her, and swallowed down his surprise.

"No problem." She said, obviously uncomfortable. "I'm guessing that you'd like to open that in the car."

"Yeah." Jacob said, with a self conscious smile. "Is that…"

"It's fine." Kelly waved her hands, smiling at him. He moved around the table and kissed her on the mouth.

"I love you." He told her.

"I know, Jacob, I love you too." Kelly told him. "We all have histories."

"Yeah. I don't deserve you, or Billy." He told her.

"You are the best man I've ever met, Jacob." She held his face in her hands and he smiled at her. "Never say we don't deserve you again, I would be nothing without you."

They looked at each other, expressing their love for each other silently for a few seconds.

"Well, I'd better…" he held up the letter and grinned at her. "Be back in a second." He left the house and opened the door of his Rabbit, slamming it shut and examined the envelope. The loopy and perfect handwriting was not a sample that he was overly familiar with, but he'd seen it around Bella's house enough back in the days she was dating the bastard to know who was writing to him. He would have just thrown it on the fire, except for on the back there were two words that were the only two words that would have prompted him to read anything from the leech. "_About Bella"_

He sighed, a little nervous at the sight of it. Bella was the one loose end in his life, and he knew it was never going to get tied up satisfactorily. He'd hurt her, a lot, and she was never going to be able to forgive him. He didn't want to be forgiven, he felt absolutely awful for her, being so happy when he'd basically destroyed her life. He still loved her, if he concentrated he loved her in the exact same way he'd always done, but his werewolf side had found him his mate: he couldn't deny biology. Kelly was his perfect woman and Bella was…well she was Bella. His goddess. Now the one person he'd quite happily rip apart because of her was writing to him...about her. Between them they'd messed her up bad. He couldn't ignore this letter, even if he sorely wanted to.

He opened the envelope and a thin piece of paper fell out. He unfolded it and read the short letter that was transcribed on it in the same perfect handwriting. After reading it, he nodded, sighed, folded it into his coat pocket and went back inside to his wife and child.

**

Seattle. Bella's mind had switched off. She scanned the crowd as the tour bus came in, all screaming her name but none of them actually knew her. She sighed in relief as Rob reaffirmed with his quicker and sharper eyes that there was no one she should worry about. Bella let out the breath she'd been holding in.

**

Jacob killed the Rabbit's engine and got out of the car warily. Edward pushed off of the wall and walked to meet him. Jacob kept his distance.

"Jacob." Edward said, and then after a pause "How have you been?"

"Save it _leech_ just tell me what I need to know. Where is she?"

"If there have been no changes to tour then she plays in Seattle tonight and leaves again in the morning."

"Right." Jacob turned for the car.

"You really think it's going to work this time?" Edward asked, stopping Jacob. "It hasn't worked for the last seven years."

"At least I've been trying." Jacob growled. "At least I tried to be there for her. I did everything I could and where the fuck have you been?" Edward bowed his head.

"Does this mean you will help us?" He asked.

"If it's for Bella, you have the pack's full cooperation, but that's it. If this comes to a fight then we're saving her and leaving you to die, no wolf will die for a bloodsucker."

"Agreed." Edward said at once, his calm manner annoying Jacob more than anything else. He stood for a second, examining the vampire, wondering at the way he hadn't changed even a tiny bit since the last time he'd seen him, seven years ago.

"What's the plan, then?"

"We convince her to come back."

"She's not convincible."

"We have very good arguments."

Jacob was still for a second again.

"We will not hurt her." Edward promised him. "We need your help to convince her to stop once we have her. If she doesn't want to stop..."

"You'll just hold her hostage so she can't carry on."

Edward said nothing.

"She doesn't get hurt?"

"I give you my word."

"I get to talk to her."

"Whenever you want." Edward said. "We will need your help."

"Fine." Jacob nodded. "Let's go."

**

Bella walked out of the backstage entrance to find a lot of screaming fans waiting for her there. She smiled and talked to them for a bit, not wanting to stay too long in case she met someone she knew. Rob was right, no one had bothered her yet, but some of her would-be visitors quite enjoyed the night time and she couldn't be all too careful. She hated talking to fans but knew that it would only get worse if she didn't. She didn't see a familiar face, so she stopped and signed few autographs and had a few pictures taken.

It was tough, being in Seattle, so close to home. It made her restless, and the quicker she got out of there and back on the road the quicker she'd be happy again. Her mind had shut down, mechanically doing its thing and thriving off of opiates and amphetamines to get her by in the meantime. _Just finish the tour_ was her mantra.

Presently her car pulled up and she quickly got in the back seat without saying anything to the driver. Rob and the others were going drinking but Bella didn't want to risk it. The tour was so prolific she knew her father and Jacob would know she was in the area and she didn't want to give them a chance to pay a visit. She didn't know whether she could take more visits from old friends.

She sighed, and shut her eyes, thinking about the last time she had seen Edward. The experience had left her hollow, but what did he expect? She wouldn't just go running back to him. _"Bella, you are _mine._" _The words seemed to resound in her head, making her shiver, feeling weak and angry all at the same time. How dare he? She pushed the thoughts away, hoping that she will never have to deal with him again, wondering why she suddenly thought about it, the night that she had spent so much energy on ignoring the existence of. It was this city, she could blame it all on that. It wouldn't matter after the tour anyway.

Soon the car was speeding through the city, and she rested her head against the glass, suddenly feeling extremely drained and completely exhausted. It wasn't unusual to feel that way after a gig, but tonight it was the worst she ever felt. She yawned widely and she once again put it down to the fact that she was in Washington. Even as she thought that, the rain started pattering on the window and she sighed.

"Put the radio on." She told the driver, who obliged, with some slow eighties ballad covering the sound of the rain. She rubbed her hands together and clapped them to try and keep herself alert. She didn't want to fall asleep until she'd gotten into her hotel room. It'll be all over the newspapers tomorrow – Bella Swan Falls Out Of Car Comatose – ugh. Of course it would be because of booze and drugs and not because she had to perform every night and travel every day. She was glad that they'd decided to sleep in hotels in major cities – there was too much arguing in the tour bus and Bella was sick of it – she couldn't take another second to staying on a tour bus with those stinking idiots.

Eager for a private shower and uninterrupted sleep, she felt herself relax, and she leant her head back on her head rest, feeling so sleepy that she could hardly keep her eyes open, no matter how hard she struggled against it. To keep herself awake she lifted her head again and stared out of the window.

"Driver, you're going the wrong way! The hotel is that way; this leads us out of town."

The driver didn't say anything, just kept speeding out into the thickening trees. She realised the route and her heart quickened, panic spreading through her fighting with the exhaustion.

"Stop! Let me out!" She shouted, and heard the doors click locked. She was struggling against her own sleepiness now, even though the exhaustion threatened to overwhelm her. "Why are you doing this?" The driver looked up at her and for the first time she saw their eyes in the rear view mirror – golden.

"It's for your own good, Bella." Jasper told her calmly and she suddenly understood why she felt so tired. "Just relax, go to sleep; you know we'd never hurt you."

"Jasper! Let me out! You have no right doing this!" She tried to break the window, but her own shock was weighing down on her, mingled with her real tiredness and the flat out exhaustion that Jasper was pushing onto her. She began to cry a bit with frustration as her limbs got heavier. Jasper merely watched her sympathetically in the mirror as she got sleepier and sleepier. She felt waves of calm and happiness try to seep their way through her and she struggled against that harder than the exhaustion. She didn't want to feel happy, why were they trying to control everything? There was no escape, even if she could open the door, there was no way she could jump out when Jasper was driving at this speed – she reckoned maybe 150 mph, perhaps faster, even if she could do it normally, she was just so tired...

"I'm sorry, Bella." Was the last thing Bella heard as she blacked out, her last thought of the panic of having to confront Edward again.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Right, so another chapter, lucky things. Not sure whether I like this chapter or whether anything actually happens in it...but there we go. I'm updating, that should be enough.**

**I would write more (as usual) but I guess you're getting pretty bored of this bit and also I have a pressing engagement involving a relative's baby.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

_Chapter Fourteen_

Bella woke up in a comfortable bed. Her limbs were stiff and her body ached, and she guessed that she'd been asleep for a while. She lay still for a few seconds, taking in her surroundings. Suddenly she realised where she was. Fury spread through her like a fire across a dried up forest, burning away all the residual tiredness. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest as she realised what they had done to her.

She was in Edward's room back in Forks, in a double bed that had been put in for her use back when they had been dating and Alice would convince Charlie to let her stay at their house (a talent Bella had admired – getting a police chief to let her daughter stay at her boyfriend's house). The room hadn't changed since she was there last – it was like Edward had just walked out of it the day he left her and never came back, which is most likely what had happened. She lay there, not wanting to get out of the bed, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of letting them know she was awake, she wanted to open her eyes and find herself back in her own house or at least stay asleep long enough for Rob to find her and kill every last one of the stupid stinking lot of them. The door opened and shut and she heard light footsteps walk towards her.

There was a scraping: something was put down on a table. She stubbornly kept her eyes shut and stayed completely still as whoever it was walked over to the bed to inspect her.

There was a short silence and then a beautiful voice rang out in soft tones with an edge of frustration behind them.

"Bella I know you're awake." Alice told her. "Your heart rate is way up and your breathing is shallower."

Bella didn't move. She knew very well that whoever it was that had happened to force their way into her life in that moment would know she was awake, and would have known probably before she had, what with them all being doctors and being able to hear every sound that she made, but she wasn't going to make this easy for them. Her thoughts were petty and vicious, and even she knew that, but she didn't care enough to change her behaviour.

"Bella, you need to eat, you've been asleep for almost a day."

It had been a whole day? She had a gig to do that night. How could they fuck up her life again? Just when she'd got herself where she wanted to be again, just when she'd been convinced that they were really going to fuck off, they were back and fucking everything up again. She stiffened her muscles to keep herself still. There was nothing she could do about her gig now, for whatever reason they'd kidnapped her and they weren't going to let her go again.

"Bella...please..." Alice's voice became a little softer, but Bella remained solid in her decision, she'd rather die of starvation then open her eyes at that moment. "Fine. I'll just leave it here." Her footsteps lead to the door, and then the door opened and shut.

Bella fumed behind her shut eyes, lying without moving, knowing they would hear the slightest shift. Her muscles were really burning but it was the only thing she could do now to get back at them for this. She didn't even care why they had taken her, she just wanted them to suffer, even if it meant she was in pain. In the back of her mind, there was a bubble of thought that contained reasons and rationales, all circling around a memory of a phone call, but that part was keeping very quiet and Bella wasn't about to delve into it.

A little later on, the door opened and the closed again, someone checking up on her. A chair scraped and whoever it was sat down without saying a word. She ignored them, and she heard nothing more, not even their breathing. She had a horrible feeling she knew who it was, too.

A while later, the door opened again, and she had the impression of a whispered conversation too low for her to hear and then the door shut again. By this time she was really hungry, and she could smell the cold food keenly, and her stomach growled loudly, betraying her.

She needed food, so she took a chance, and opened her eyes. Her head was facing the window, which had some sort of metal cover over it, so she had some time to decide how she would approach this. She decided just to do it, she'd spent a good few hours in her still state, and she couldn't have lasted much longer anyway.

She sat up, letting her shoulder length hair fall over her face on each side so she didn't have to look at him straight away. She heard him take a breath, but he didn't say anything.

She couldn't think of anything to say, the enormity of the violation into her life had taken her words. The situation was more real now that she wasn't trying to pretend she was asleep. She'd spent years trying to get away from this place and they'd just dragged her back. Would they even give her a reason? She doubted it, what was she anyway? Just a pitiful human to them, not even worth a goodbye when it suited them, it seemed she wasn't allowed a choice in whether they were in her life or not, regardless of the insistence otherwise.

All this time neither of them spoke, she locked in circular bitter angry thoughts and he watching her apprehensively, wondering whether anything could ever make up for the horrific lengths he had now gone to for her safety.

Bella's stomach gave another growl, breaking the silence. Bella's face burned with the shame of showing some weakness.

"You need to eat." Edward said at last, pushing the table towards the bed. Bella didn't look up at him, but saw on the table was a steak sandwich, good to eat hot or cold. In another lifetime that thought might have made her feel a deep sense of gratitude for the careful thought they'd put into her care, but now it just make her even more furious. It felt like they were patronising her, practically teasing her for her stupid human weaknesses, she felt like they were looking down on her like she was a stubborn child. It may have been an irrational feeling, but she wasn't in any kind of mood to realise the foolishness of her actions. She pushed the sandwich away.

"You're being absurd, Bella...you're starving, just eat it!" Edward pushed it back towards her. She didn't make a move to even touch it.

"I'm being absurd?" Bella said, still not looking at him, but lacing her voice with threat. "Right, because I'm the one that kidnapped someone for no reason after she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with you." She pushed the sandwich away, needing not to be sitting in _his _bed with him towering over her. She realised as she pushed the covers off of her that she had been changed from her short dress into sweats and she was indignant about it, but didn't let him know that. "You don't take rejection very well, do you?"

"Bella, there is a reason for this." Edward told her. "I'll explain everything, you just need to eat."

"How about we pretend that I'm an adult who actually can make her own decisions and you tell me your reasons before my boyfriend comes up here and rips your head off?"

"I'd like to see him try and take all of us." Another voice came as the door opened and shut again. Bella whirled around to find Jacob standing by the newly closed door, obviously having been listening from outside. "He wouldn't get anywhere near you."

"What is this, an intervention?" Bella couldn't contain her anger anymore. "Fine, sorry for doing the coke and the pills and the alcohol, I'll stop now fuck off." She stormed toward the door but found herself restrained by Jacob there.

"No dice." Jacob told her, pushing her back. "What can't you just accept the fact that we aren't going away, Bella? We're part of your life and you can't push us out."

She glared at him, aware of Edward staring behind her. She still hadn't managed to look at him, and focused all her anger on Jacob, and he was well used to it. He'd try to bring her back here many times in the past, never allowing her to fully forget where she was from but never fully being able to make her accept it. He glared back at her, an occurrence that had happened many times after he found her again, about a year after his marriage. Her anger was increasing as she realised the depths of this conspiracy, even though it shocked her a little that Jacob was involved: he hated the Cullens with a passion and Edward particularly even more so, for more than one reason, and she knew he would never have dragged her back entirely against her will, so why was he condoning – _helping _– Edward now?

"So, do I get to know this fabulous reason for the two of you to fuck up my life more?" She whirled around to Edward, finally looking at him, her anger sufficiently stoked to allow her the full fury he deserved. "I wish I never met either of you, I will never forgive you for fucking up my entire life with your stupid superiority complexes. Like the fact that I'm just a normal little shitty human means that I can't make my own decisions! How could you do this? What gives you the right to just take me from my home? I'm famous! People are going to notice my disappearance and they are going to suspicious! The police will be looking for me as well; you aren't going to be able to keep this a secret! The whole world probably knows already." She was panicking, shouting threats that even she heard as feeble, but the situation was too much to handle – both the men she'd loved had rejected her and now for some reason were forcing her back to a life they destroyed for her and were intent on keeping her here for what? More pain, hadn't she had enough yet? She felt the anger ebb from her, and she fought to keep it, her only defence now in this overwhelming place she just woke up in.

"Charlie's dealing with that." Jacob told her. Bella realised with a shock that he probably was, and wondered with no small pain at whether he'd bothered to come check on her yet.

"Well, that's just great, isn't it?" She said, unable to maintain her anger. She was still drained, and throwing her toys out of the pram wasn't getting her anywhere. Suddenly she felt more tired than even when Jasper had forced her to sleep. Everyone was in on it, and she didn't even really care why. Rob could have taken the Cullens but he'd never gone up against a wolf before and there were over ten of them, if Bella's memory wasn't failing her, and she bet there would be more soon, with the Cullens back in the area. It didn't matter what they wanted from her, they weren't going to get it. She suddenly just wanted to cry. She sagged visibly and stomped over to the bed, sitting on the edge and staring at the floor.

"Get out." She whispered. "Just leave, both of you." She heard their footsteps walking towards the door and the door opening and closing, and then noises that sounded like them heading downstairs. Hot angry tears fell down her cheeks and she wept, not really knowing the reason for it. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to react, or why this was happening. She wasn't expecting and she didn't know how she felt about it. Confused and scared and vulnerable, all her carefully constructed defences were punctured and she felt seventeen and in the clutches on James again, finding out her mother was safe and she was to die for nothing, but she wasn't sure whether it was a good or bad thing. She didn't know whether she wanted to run to Rob or Jacob or Edward or away from all of them together.

If this was the plan, to make her confront her feelings, she was determined that it wouldn't work. She wasn't going to cooperate, they all owe her peace. She deserved her new life, they all got one so why wasn't she allowed to do what she wanted. The bubble wavered but stubbornly remained unpopped.

She stalked around the room and found her clothes, and noticed they had been washed, which was odd, she thought the Cullens never wore clothes long enough to wash them, and decided it was them trying to make her feel comfortable again. She slipped them on, discarding the sweats she'd been placed in, and then stalked up and down, stemming the tears that were still free falling down her cheeks.

Another surge of anger sent the plate containing the sandwich flying through the air, the plate shattering and the sandwich falling everywhere. Heavily breathing, she stared at the mark she'd made on the door, and it opened, revealing the most hated of all the Cullens, holding a fresh sandwich.

"You stupid girl." Rosalie spat as she surveyed the damage and then shut and locked the door, going to place the new meal on the table before whirling to Bella. "You don't understand anything that's going on here, do you?"

"I don't care either, I just want to go. You can't keep me here."

"This isn't just about you, you selfish little bitch." Rosalie stalked over to her and looked like she was going to slap her. "You pissed off some pretty powerful people and now they want to kill you, and not just you either, all of us, because you just had to have your little revenge on your high school boyfriend who hurt your little feelings."

Bella's jaw tightened and her heart thud erratically. Her voice, dead flat, managed "What are you talking about?"

"You've attracted the attention of the Volturi, and they're pretty interested in how a human seems to know so damn much about vampires." Rosalie spat. "They don't mess about with cover ups either, they'll kill you and all us vampires that allowed you to know about our kind, and probably Jacob and his entire pack. Actually, they'll probably kill the entire reserve and your father as well."

Bella didn't say anything. She didn't trust herself to.

"I'd much rather just let them kill you and then take my family on the run and hope the Volturi decide to give us a break, but Edward won't allow it. I have no idea why but be still seems to have misguided and idiotic feelings about your death, seeming to think it's a bad thing, even though ever since I met you you've been on a campaign to die. I say let you get on with it, your death means nothing to me, my family would be a lot safer without you around and it's one less human I have to play babysitter to."

"That's enough Rosalie." Edward had appeared again, another key in his hand having unlocked the door that Bella realised had never been locked by either Edward or Alice when they had left earlier, Rosalie glared at Bella for a while longer, and then left, her heels clicking on the floor, seeming to communicate are profound disgust for Bella in every step. Bella watched her go, aware that Edward's eyes were upon her and wondering how to deal with this situation.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Edward stared at Bella for a long time, waiting for the reaction she was obviously going to have in a minute. It wasn't everyday you find out that the most powerful family of vampires to ever have existed is tracking you down to kill you.

"Is it true?" She asked, finally. He hesitated, not wanting to panic her in any way. It didn't matter what she had done, it was still completely his fault, if they had never met, if he'd been more responsible about this, thought more about it and been a bit stronger, a bit less selfish than he had been all those years ago then none of this would have happened. She'd probably be married to Mike Newton with kids right about now. The thought of that burned in Edward's mind, had him raging with jealousy, but it was undeniable: he couldn't give her that comfortable security, and because he hadn't listened six years ago she was taking drugs, hanging around with one of the most dangerous people Edward could imagine, with the most powerful enemies on earth hunting her down to kill her.

"Yes." Was all he said. There was another pause.

"You should have told me."

"I know, but you hardly gave me a chance."

"So what are you going to do about it?" There was still a cold edge to her voice. "What's the brilliant plan?"

"My family and the pack are united, and we are going to protect you. We're moving from here pretty soon, however, this will be the first place the Volturi look once they find out you've disappeared."

"Why are you doing this?" Bella asked, looking up at him, not with hatred this time, but with pleading and grudging gratitude. "You should just let them kill me, it's what I deserve. Rosalie's right, it's what I want." Her heart stuttered a bit when she spoke the last words.

"Never." Edward stated bluntly. "Not going to happen." He kept in his mind the idea that she goes willingly, that something happens that makes her...has it already? She seemed so resigned... He didn't think he'd be able to stand it.

"Please." Bella's voice was very small, as she turned away from him. Edward could hardly believe it, she was begging for him to let her die? Did she not understand how he physically couldn't do that? He wished himself for death in that second, knowing it was his direct fault that all this had happened to her, that he had destroyed her spirit, that a vampire he created had turned her heart hard and bitter to hurt him, she was the innocent victim, just like always, and now she was begging to die because it was better than her life.

"No." He stood frozen, trying not to do anything that will cause her more pain, such as take her into his arms and try to convince her that his love was pure and to take him back. He knew that would make her angry again, probably. He didn't want to risk it anyway.

"It's my choice." She said, turning to him again, her face resolved, oblivious to his internal struggling. "I have the right to decide, or at least be involved in the decision making."

He surveyed her, so human and frail, so different from the way she used to be but with the same fire burning behind her eyes.

"Fine." He said. "You can be involved, but you will not die for this."

Bella was silent for a few minutes before answering,

"Am I allowed out of this room or am I to be your prisoner?"

The question shocked him a bit. Apart from Rosalie, who had locked the door to intimidate Bella she had never been locked in, allowed to come out whenever she wanted.

"You can come out whenever you want." He said.

"Good. I want a shower." She said.

"Alice has left you everything you need in my bathroom; I assume you remember the way." He gestured to the door that led to his en suite. She knew that he had used the en suite to wash when he had lived here, although the room was primarily at her disposal for her...more pressing needs of it. It had embarrassed her before, being the only one who had to answer the call of nature but she wasn't going to let it show.

Bella nodded, seeming to need to say something else, but feeling uncomfortable about it.

"What are the arrangements? You know, with me staying in here, for the time that we are here, with this being your room and all." She stared at the floor, and he was a little disappointed that she hadn't blushed. Such a question would have reddened her cheeks before. He had to keep reminding himself that Bella had changed, that just because they were back in Forks didn't mean everything went back to the way it had been. He never expected it to, but each little reminder hurt him a little.

"Well, as I don't sleep, you have full use of the room and I'll stay out unless you want me to be in here." He said, feeling a little awkward. "There are other bathrooms I can use to wash. We just thought you'd be comfortable with a familiar surrounding when you woke up." He thought he would have blushed if he could, and was gratified to see a faint pink grace Bella's cheekbone as she nodded mutely.

"I can move to another room." She said after a short silence.

"That's not necessary, this is the only room kitted out for humans anyway, there are no beds in any of the other bedrooms for obvious reasons and I don't mind you having this room." _It's the least I can do._ He thought, ignoring the no small part of him that was relishing in her presence in his room, the idea that she slept in his bed, the fact that even after she was gone again her smell would be renewed in this room, a room that over the years he had visited often, trying to recapture her smell, but had found it fading to nothing. He didn't mention this to her, however.

"Fine." She said.

"Right." He said. "I'll leave you to freshen up, if you want to come downstairs afterwards you are allowed, but everyone will understand if you do not want to." Bella nodded, and Edward turned and left.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Sorry SORRY SORRY for not updating this in...like...*wince*. I've been really busy finishing off my degree and then getting a full time job and everything. Lucky for you it's a bank holiday and I've got food poisoning or you'd be waiting a while longer...SORRY **

**Thanks for the reviews and I've made this chapter quite long to help stave off your hatred of me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

**Chapter Fifteen**

Bella sat and ate the sandwich with relish. There was no point in starving herself anymore, this wasn't an intervention into her destructive ways, she'd just fucked up everything for everyone _yet again._

Part of her wished they'd left her to die and just gone and saved their own lives. It would have been a hell of a lot easier on all of them. She guessed the only way she could make up for the fact that she'd fucked it all up was to be as cooperative as she could, to a point. She understood Rosalie's reasoning more than she understood Edward's however, but it hardly made a difference. Her barriers were down now and she knew she'd just been kidding herself for years. She wasn't getting better, it was just the walls hardening around her heart. She itched for a drink and something to give her a kick and get her out of reality again but she guessed that they were off the menu for a while.

She dragged herself into the bathroom and found a clean towel and a new set of clothes. Alice had obviously jumped at the chance to buy Bella some new clothes in the style that she wore now. She took a look at the pile, mini skirt, leggings, flats, strapless top and a shirt to go over it. Probably more conservative then what she usually wears, to tell the truth, but it was obvious Alice wanted Bella to dress to impress something who disapproved of some of her more kinkier outfits. It didn't take a lot of brain power to work out which bronze haired nuisance that pixie had in mind.

Dejectedly, Bella pulled off her clothes and stepped into the shower, trying to forget everything that ever happened, ever. Surprisingly, it wasn't hard to find a sort of blank calm state, and she stood enjoying it as the hot water cascaded over her, attributing it to the bone exhaustion that still clung to her. She stood like that for quite a while, and then brought herself out of it and finished up her shower, washing the grease from her hair and the sweat from her body before hopping out of the shower again. She wrapped herself in the towel and searched the cupboards, finding some of Edward's stuff in one of them, nothing really special, a comb and some hair gel (she had always known his hair hadn't spiked like that naturally), before she located a hair dryer and restyled her hair. She opted to keep her less conservative dress but put on the leggings with it, so as not to be too overtly sexy when she went downstairs, and found that there was also some accessories for the outfit Alice had put out for her and some makeup that she hadn't seen before. She put on a large gold bangle and a necklace and put on some of the makeup, needing not to be Forks Bella as much as possible.

She slipped on the flats and surveyed herself in the mirror. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as satisfying as it had been before. The makeup felt like war paint and the dress like a weapon, but that hardly seemed to matter anymore. Like she was fighting a war that she had been winning but suddenly the tables had turned and she was losing so badly that the enemy had taken pity on her and just turned their backs, not delivering the finishing blow.

It was with a heavy but stubborn heart that she walked downstairs, seeing that the Cullens were assembled in the living room, but none of the pack were in sight. Carlisle and Esme smiled at her warmly, and she gave them a tight smile back. Jasper looked up from the book that he had been reading, looked at her for a second and then returned to his book quickly, obviously feeling guilty for his part in her kidnap. Alice was at the bottom of the stairs immediately, eagerly waiting for her. Rosalie and Emmett were huddled together, Emmett consoling a furious Rosalie who didn't even look up at her but glared out of the window. Emmett gave her an apologising look before turning back to Rosalie. Edward watched her quietly from his position in an armchair. Bella could see that until she had arrived he had had his head in his hands, which were now curled under his chin as his eyes steadily remained on her.

"Bella, it's good to see you up and about." Carlisle said pleasantly. Bella couldn't quite forget what she'd said to them all the last time she'd seen them, and from the look Edward was giving her, now she had recovered from the shock of her...relocation (_kidnap _she thought venomously, or at least the part of her still raging against the situation did _don't forget it_), she realised he hadn't forgotten what had happened the last time she'd seen him too. She squeezed her eyes shut, her courage failing her a little.

"Where's Jacob?" She asked. In this impossible situation he was her only dubious comfort. She had been taking everything out on him for years, when the Cullens had felt like untouchable figments of her imagination. Jacob was safety, absurd that she should actually want him, for the pain he gave her matched that of the pain Edward had caused her, almost, but it didn't change the fact that she did. He had always been the cure to the Cullens' effect on her and she found that not as much as she thought had changed really had. Except the fact that she'd willingly pick the wolf over the vampires now, that was new, and she got a small comfort in that, even in her depths of her depression. All these years of hard work on her own psyche and all she had to show for it was an unhealthy attachment to someone who fucked her up as badly as his predecessor. Great.

"He went back to reserve to inform the elders that you were awake." Came Edward's clipped reply, which told Bella all she needed to know about his friendship with Jacob. Strictly professional but with major resentment. Interesting. "He said he'd come back later to check on you."

Bella nodded.

"Bella, do you want to come and find some more clothes with me? You won't want to be wearing that dress every day." Alice was cautious, and Bella sighed. Not much had changed at all, really. "I bought you some things I thought you'd like."

"Sure." She said grudgingly, and Alice joined her on the stairs, and then Bella followed her slowly into the pixie's room. It was all pretty much like the outfit she'd found in the bathroom, basically a mix of T-shirt and jeans Bella and international rock star gothic punk sex symbol Bella. Bella accepted it all wearily, noticing that Alice was a little disappointed that Bella wasn't showing the expected enthusiasm over any of it. Bella didn't really care about any of it, but took them back to Edward's room and was directed to the spaces Edward had left to store some clothes. Alice sat on the bed and watched her. Bella ignored her.

"You can come and sit with us downstairs if you want." Alice told her. "No one will mind, well, except Rosalie but we all ignore her anyway, you know how it is with he-"

"I don't think so." Bella said, cutting Alice off. "I'll just stay up here."

"You can't force us away and you can't outrun us so you're just going to ignore us?" Alice asked a little sadly.

"Something like that." Bella said, as equally sadly. "I'm sorry this all happened but it doesn't change anything. I'm sorry my actions fucked up your lives again but I can't change that, I can't just erase everything and make it like it was before."

"You could, if you wanted to." Alice told her. "None of us would object. In fact I think some of us would love you to." Bella knew that Alice was once again referring to her brother, and Bella sighed, tired of Alice's little games.

"So my feelings don't matter? Edward can't just walk in and out of my life whenever he chooses, you know. He left, he promised that it would be forever, so I found other things to do with my time. I'm not going to just melt back into his arms because he clicks his fingers and decides that he wants me back. I'm not that girl anymore, I have a boyfriend."

"Didn't stop you before." Alice said bluntly. "You were pretty keen to 'melt in his arms' not so long ago."

"Doesn't mean I want him back."

"So you'd rather settle for a pseudo Edward?" Alice said, crossing her arms.

"What?"

"We all know that Edward created Rob and I know you know too. I saw that video you made, and you didn't exactly put in a subtle reference."

Bella stiffened. "That's irrelevant." She said. "Leave it."

"Wise up, Bella. You don't want Rob, you want Edward but you're afraid to take him back in case he leaves again. I can tell you categorically that with the way your life turned out after he left the first time I'm surprised he's letting you out of his sight at the moment."

"Look, just leave it, Alice." She laced her words with threats. "Sure, I used to date Edward, and sure, I slept with him a while ago but big deal? It was nothing. I don't want him back."

"It wasn't nothing to him."

"I can't help that." Bella said unfeelingly, shrugging her shoulders. "He should have realised it was just a one off thing."

"Oh yeah, I forgot, you just fuck anyone that takes your fancy and drop them once you got your rocks off." Alice said angrily.

"Yeah, well, that's just the privilege of being a fucking sex symbol." Bella told her, tossing the rest of the clothes into the drawers and turning to Alice. "I do what I want, Alice, maybe you should try it, it's truly liberating."

"I do what I want anyway. It's just what I want is not to hurt everyone around me."

"Yeah, Alice, but there's the difference between you and me, what you want is what everyone wants for you. You want to live with your perfect family and be with your perfect husband and spend eternity shopping and playing baseball. Whatever I want always seems to be apparently the worst thing for me."

"Not always." Alice said, chastened a little.

"Really?" Bella was irked by Alice's cold anger at her, and started pacing the room. "Shall we just go through everything I've ever wanted? When I wanted to live with my mother and be in sunny Phoenix, I was sent to rainy boring fucking Forks to live with my quiet father who it appears couldn't give a fuck about me anymore, when I wanted to be a vampire, everyone was horrified and I was treated like a child. When all I wanted was just to be with Edward and all of you, vampire or just human or whatever, you all fucked off on me. When I wanted to be alone and piece myself back together and forget that vampires even exist, some more fucking vampires came and suddenly I was stuck being protected and never left alone by _more_ fucking supernatural freaks and feeling _more _crowded than ever. When all I wanted was to be with Jacob and have the normal life he promised me, he dropped me for some random girl and was married to her within three months. Then, finally, when all I wanted was just to be left alone, just be left to my own devices to carve out my own pitiful existence, I get dragged back here and treated like I'm some sort of monster that's fucking everyone else around!"

"Get over it Bella, you think you're the only one whose suffered in their life?" Alice said coldly. "I'm so tired about hearing about all of this now. Edward practically kills himself most of the time with guilt about all of this, but you need to grow up and realise that it's not all our fault."

"I know it isn't!" Bella told her. "I never said it was all your fault! I just wanted to be left alone, that's it! Just to be left, it's not much to ask for, and now I'm stuck here again, once again."

"I'm sorry Bella." Alice told her. "I truly am, but it's the situation and you're just going to have to deal with it. Don't take it out on Edward either. He wouldn't have let us take you if there was another way to keep you safe. It wasn't his idea. I'll just leave you alone now, if that's what you want." She left without another word.

Bella sighed, staring at the door for a while, then turned to the music collection, perusing Edward's tastes for the first time with an expert eye.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Bella hadn't come back downstairs since Alice had given her the new clothes. Edward had heard the conversation they'd had, and Edward hadn't really approved of Alice's reaction to it, but he couldn't fault her really. She'd asked Bella questions he was burning to know the answers to...such as the one about the creation of Rob and how she felt about it, but Bella wasn't forthcoming with the answers. After a while one of his heavier, darker albums blasted out from his room and he resigned himself to the fact that Bella wasn't going to be making another appearance anytime soon, and his questions would probably never be answered.

"Anyone for a hunt?" Jasper asked lightly, lowering his book and looking over at Edward. He saw in Jasper's thoughts the cacophony of emotions that were surrounding him, and was annoyed about the amount of desire and frustration that he saw mixed in with the sorrow and confusion. He knew Jasper wouldn't say anything to the others about how much he wanted Bella, but it was embarrassing that on some level he was just a horny teenage boy on heat. It didn't help that Bella seemed completely against toning down her dress a little, stubbornly trying to kill him with that tiny dress and looking completely flawless and desirable. He knew it he would probably feel that way if she'd come downstairs in a potato sack, she would have still smelled so completely enticing and, he had to face it, she'd still be _Bella_, but he liked to think that he wasn't just an irrational sex mad boy.

_It's only natural, Edward._ Jasper told him. _She may still come around, you know, she's very conflicted. _ Edward snorted his opinion of the likelihood of that happening. He hadn't been expecting this reaction to her when Jasper had carried her in from the car, but it seemed Alice had. She'd taken Bella to his room and dressed her unconscious body in sweats to try and help. He'd almost groaned aloud when he'd come to save her from Rosalie and found her back in her stage dress.

"Let's just go." Edward sighed and stood.

"I'm coming." Rosalie said quickly. "The less time I have to spend near her the better."

"I'll stay here and protect Bella." Alice said.

"Yeah, me too." Emmett grunted. They'd agreed that no more than three should go hunting at a time, anyway.

As Edward got into the woods, he really let himself go, running as fast as he could through the trees, trying to burn off some of the lust, leaving the other two behind him, unable to keep the pace. He reckoned that Jasper probably stopped Rosalie from following anyway, he needed some time alone.

He found a heard of deer and fell upon them, sating himself quickly, just allowing himself to forget everything and give himself entirely over to the task. He was out for almost two hours before he heard Jasper's thoughts and found out the others were turning back. He ran to join them, Rosalie eyeing him contemptuously. She wasn't his greatest fan at the moment, but he didn't really care all that much. He and Rosalie had a strained relationship at the best of times.

As they reached the house, Edward saw that Bella had emerged and was sitting at the window of the music room, her face in her hands looking like she was sobbing. Jacob was sitting next to her with his arm around her. He saw in Jacob's thoughts that until recently they'd been having a heated argument and Bella had broken down all of a sudden and he was unable to comfort her, not having expected this reaction. Edward decided to leave them to it, knowing Bella would probably not appreciate the fact that he knew she'd been crying.

As he walked into the house he realised that everyone seemed to be smug about something. Alice skipped over to them and kissed Jasper on the lips, seeming to be in a brilliant mood about something, certainly not in the depression she'd been in when they left. Esme and Carlisle smiled at him, shielding their thoughts from him and Emmett was staring at the door of the music room, seeming impressed with Jacob for some reason. Without the usual bolthole of his room to escape to, Edward stalked into the living room and put some headphones in the stereo there, listening to some classical music to try and calm himself down again.

"Go back to your wife and child, you bastard!" Bella screamed, and the door to the music room opened and Jacob exited, quickly dodging the vase that followed him, smashing on the wall next to him. "I told you all, again and again, that I just want to be left alone and now look at what's happened! How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not that girl anymore! I'm not the same girl you fucked so many times in your youth, Jacob, I'm not the girl that lay under those stars and told you I loved you, she's DEAD!" Bella slammed the door, and Edward and Jacob exchanged looks awkwardly. Edward saw that Jacob was keeping his mind incredibly blank and was embarrassed at Bella's explosion.

"Sorry about the vase." Jacob said.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING APOLOGISE TO THAT FREAK I COULD BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND AND HE'D DESERVE IT!" Bella shouted from behind the door. Edward knew she was leaning on the back of the door and breathing very hard.

"It's okay." Edward said, and they left Bella and walked over to the living room. Esme went to clear up the vase, humming a happy tune.

"I'd better go." Jacob said. "Kelly's expecting me..."

"Jacob." Carlisle entered the room holding a book that he was reading. "I was hoping to have a short conversation with you regarding your pack size and how you operate. It would be useful to Jasper's and my strategy."

"Uhh...sure." Jacob said, following Carlisle into the other room, talking for a little while and then heading for the door. When Jacob left Bella escaped back up to her room.

"Edward, dear." Esme wafted into the room and smiled at him. "I've cooked Bella some dinner, could you please take it to her?" Edward knew that there was some significance to him delivering the meal that Esme could have taken to her herself, but she was still shielding her thoughts, considering extensions to another house they were moving to later that week to accommodate the pack if they would wish to sleep there instead of taking the long journey back to Forks.

"Okay." He said, taking the plate from Esme as he stood up. He was apprehensive about going in, considering the fact that Bella didn't seem to be in the best mood, but he was anxious that she ate. He went to the door of his room and knocked, waiting for an answer.

"Come in." Bella said, and as he did he noticed that Bella was quickly rubbing away more tears. With trepidation, Edward entered.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: ****Here you are, another chapter. This is the chapter that has been slowing everything up. The first draft of it was...well, a little more extreme and a LOT more harrowing. I had some big questions to ask myself – such as where the fuck did that come from? Would people be turned off the story from it? Anyway I decided to tone it down a bit, but the sentiment is still there. Also I'm adding a new element to the story which I hadn't actually thought about until I re read and changed this chapter, which you see at the end of this chapter and I will elaborate in the next. Will be a bit weird but think I need to give Bella a little break – she's close to killing herself!**

**Anyway, tell me what you think, and berate me all you like if you think I wimped out on this chapter – to be honest I did. Must be good – I must be becoming a balanced person.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight. Have the books, but not the film (the film actually kinda wasn't good (sorry!)...although New Moon looks EPIC! So I won't judge just yet).**

**Chapter Sixteen**

"I've brought you something to eat." Edward said. "Esme thought you'd probably want to eat up here, but if you don't then that's fine. Your company would be well received downstairs."

"No, it's fine I'll eat here." Bella said, miserably.

"Are you alright?" He asked as he placed the plate on the table and she crossed to it.

"I'm fine." She said, obviously not. "Sorry about just now. That was uncalled for."

"Was it something Jacob said? What did he say to you?"

"What Jacob and I talk about is nothing to do with you." She snapped. He nodded, a little surprised at the sudden attack. He took it stoically, noting that she was obviously unstable and needed careful handling.

"Okay." He backed off. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

"I bet your loving this, I bet you already know what Jacob and I spoke about and you've come up here to gloat."

"I assure you I know nothing. I simply came up to give you the food."

"Yeah, right. Don't expect me to believe that. It doesn't change anything." Her body language was cold and she was hunched away from him, sort of like he was hurting her with his presence _again._

"I see that." He said. "I will leave you to eat in peace." There was something about her body language that told him to run for it, this wasn't a good time, he quelled the need to run over to her and hold her and turned for the door.

"Why go to so much trouble for me?" She said, stopping him in his tracks.

"What do you mean?" He turned to her to find her staring at him, fresh tears threatening to break across her cheeks. She took a deep breath and pressed her lips together for a second. "You know why." He longed to tell her that he loved her again, but that...strange way she was holding herself told him not to.

"But why is that the reason?" She asked, the question confused Edward for a second, and he said nothing. "Why do you still want me? Why does any of your family still care about me? The things I've done..." She turned away again, walking over to the windows. He noticed for the first time that the metal barriers had been lifted. She stared out of the window, her eyes blank, and her next words came out a whisper. "I'm a nothing, I don't deserve this."

"Bella, please, that's ridiculous."

"Is it?" She turned back around, looking at him again, her tears making her eyes glow and her skin radiant. Hers was a tragic beauty at the moment and he closed his eyes for a second to stop the waves of desire from making him irrational. In truth he was a little dizzy with his need for her, and disgusted with himself for those feelings when she was in such misery. "You should not want to come near me."

He laughed at those words, thinking of the impossibility of anything he could want more than to be near her and only the fear of hurting her could quell that desire.

"Bella, you know how ridiculous that is. You know why I'm doing this."

"Then say it." She walked up to him, almost threatening. "Go on, I dare you to say it."

"It's because I love you." The words came out a little more aggressively then he would have liked, but he had responded to the threat in her voice, confusion making him more susceptible to the environment.

"But why? I'm nothing, Edward! I'm less than nothing! I don't even deserve friends, let alone love! I fuck over everything and everyone just to get whatever I want, you should be disgusted by me, Edward. You should hate me!"

"Well I'm sorry but I don't." He said, anger burning in him, hot and fanned by his frustration. "I fucking love you so just give it a rest." He was shocked by his own speech, re evaluating himself, the way he was reacting to her, changing with her, for her. He didn't let it show on his face, but the aggression, the violent desire, the slight resentment was entirely new to him.

"The things I've done, Edward! The fucking things I've done! Allowed to happen to me! I'm not the innocent little girl you fell in love with!" She jumped onto the bed, standing on it and gripping the frame that held the posts together. "The amount of men I've slept with, Edward. The disgusting filth I've let inside me. Sometimes I've just done it for the kicks because I _enjoyed it _Edward. I've done such terrible things, Edward, I've destroyed myself, I've cut myself and rubbed drugs into my blood, I've been in hospital five times because of what I've done to myself and that doesn't even include rehab." She didn't break eye contact with him as she said all of this, but had slowly sank to her knees, kneeling on the bed in the most provocative pose, staring at him a mockingly playful smile on her face. "If you knew even a fraction of the things I'd done you'd run a mile. I don't deserve you."

Edward's voice was hoarse when it came out. The outburst had stunned him. "It doesn't matter."

"Really?" She was off the bed in a second, pressing herself to him. "Come on then, Edward, take me, fucking take me. I know you want me; I've gotten pretty good at knowing when men want to fuck me. You think that all those other men don't matter, that you can kiss a mouth that has been places you don't even want to think about, that you can touch breasts that have been bared and displayed for the pleasure of some of the more disgusting men in America, that you can love a girl that allowed herself to be used as trash just to pay the rent. Let's face it, Edward, I'm just nothing, just another fucking slut that belongs in the gutters." Her tears were in full swing, and he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and kiss all those tears away. She was so close but her mind was miles away, she had gone temporarily mad and he'd pushed her to it, once again being at fault for her pain. Didn't she realise that she was the victim? Didn't she realised he knew that she'd had no choice? Didn't she know the blame was placed squarely on his shoulders?

"It wasn't your fault Bella, you had no choice." He told her firmly. "I will always love you, no matter what." She started laughing, but it was a half laugh half sob.

"Come on then, Edward, save me. Take me right now. Fuck me like you did before I went on tour. Save my soul and take me away from my misery." She went to take off her dress but he stopped her, pushing her back onto the bed. She jumped up again and pressed herself to him, running her hand over his crotch, sending another wave of desire through him. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back onto the bed, trying to ignore the frantic madness in her eyes.

"I'll come back when you're feeling better." He told her, practically running for the door.

"That's right! Fuck off! You don't fucking love me! No one does! You should have let James kill me when you had the chance and be rid of me once and for all!" Her crazed shouting followed him as he ran down the stairs and out into the clearing. "At least Rob was there for me when you fucked off with your fucking distractions! He's a monster but he's better for me than you are!"

_I'll kill her myself._ Rosalie was next to him in a second.

"No you won't." Edward told her.

"Give me one reason why not." Rosalie growled.

"Because you know the effect that cruel men's actions have on vulnerable desperate women." He said simply, and saw Rosalie's thoughts stall at this. He knew she hadn't been thinking of Bella as a victim in all of this before, but now she was reassessing her opinion of the girl, comparing her situation to the situation that Rosalie had faced with her ex-fiancé and his friends. "That's why."

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Bella sobbed violently, soaking the pillow with her tears as she cried her heart out. It was late and the food that Edward had brought up lay untouched as Bella cried. It was all too much for her now. She'd fucked up everything in her whole life and pissed it all away. Charlie still hadn't been round to see her, and she knew he was still remembering the fight they'd had all those years ago. Not even her own father wanted to see her.

Jacob had really pissed her off earlier. He'd just been talking about how weird it was with the Cullens back and everything, and asking her if she was alright. He seemed uncomfortable with her being around Edward again, and she asked him why and he said that she should find a human guy and settle down once this had all been finished with. He told her that still being in love with a vampire wasn't healthy, it wasn't a good way to go. She'd gotten angry then, and for no reason she'd started crying. Well, there was a reason and she knew it now. She wasn't more than dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe. She was an embarrassment and pretty soon everyone was going to realise it again, and she'd be, once again, alone.

It didn't matter, any of it. The fame, the fans, the hair, the clothes it had all been her running from the truth: and the truth was that she just wasn't good enough. She'd wanted to be someone else.

"Bella..." Alice opened the door, with a mug in her hand.

"Just go away." Bella sniffed. "Just leave me alone, I don't want anyone to even look at me right now."

"I brought you a hot chocolate." Alice said, unperturbed, coming into the room and setting the mug on the bedside and sitting in the chair next to the bed.

"Please, just let me be alone for a while." Bella whispered. She looked up at Alice with messy hair and smudged make up, and then returned her face to the pillow and squeezed her eyes shut.

"He loves you." Alice told her.

"He shouldn't." Bella moved so she was facing away from Alice. "None of you should, I'm the worst thing alive."

"That's hardly true." Alice said. "You're not the worst thing alive, Bella, far from it."

"I will never be able to even look at him again after what I did to him today, why should I expect him to even want to be in the same room as me?" This brought a new wave of sobbing. "Why should he have to settle for a ruined product when there are so many other people out there that deserve him far more than me? Girls who haven't fucked up as entirely as I have."

"Because he's Edward and you're Bella and that's just the way it is." Alice told her firmly. "I can't really express to you the depths of this but you have to understand, when we, vampires I mean, when we fall in love, it's forever, there's no going back. He will love you until the end of time no matter what."

Bella remembered Victoria and how she'd gone after her when James had died, fruitless attempts that resulted in her death at Jacob's teeth. She wouldn't let it go, she was in a desperate frenzy to kill Bella, like it would help with the pain of losing the sole reason of her existence. Like it would make a difference to the endless eternity she would have faced alone. Looking back on it, Bella wondered whether it would have been better to let Victoria have her. But it would have been crueller than what happened. This way it was Bella who suffered whilst she was at peace.

"Then I feel sorry for him, having to love this." She said sulkily. "I bet if he knew how I'd turn out he'd have never come near me."

Alice stroked Bella's hair.

"None of us think that. Not even for a moment. Especially not Edward. I've never seen him so upset. He spent an hour a while ago sitting at your door and listening to you cry, desperate to make it stop and not sure how." She smoothed down the messy hair and straightened it out a bit, and the cool sensation calmed Bella a bit. "He loves you and you're going to have to face him sometime."

"Fine, but just – not tonight." Bella said, yawning.

"Get some rest, Bella." Alice told her. "Trust me, everything will be fine."

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Dawn broke over that horrible night, and Edward watched it miserably. He didn't want to be there, but he couldn't leave. His presence was hurting Bella, he realised that now, that's why she'd been so harsh to him, _because she thought she wasn't good enough for him._ The thought wanted him to run up there and shake her, scream at her or something, but instead he sighed angrily, and quietly watched the sun rise. At least she'd stopped crying now, Alice had gone to calm her, and Jasper was calm again as well. Jasper had spent the night in the corner of the living room, sitting on the floor as still as a stone. He'd blocked Edward's probing and Edward knew it was because Bella's pain was too much to bear. Edward had flipped between guilt for having caused such pain not only to Bella but to Jasper too, and anger and jealousy about how Jasper could connect to Bella so intimately with his power when his own power did not work on her. At some point in the night, Carlisle had taken Jasper hunting, and as Jasper bolted for the door Edward found that his anger at his brother had been horribly unjustified and a fresh wave of guilt flashed through him.

Alice crouched down next to him where he sat slouched in the corner of the room, too drained to even move.

"She'll be okay. She's been through a lot. I think we're starting to get through to her though. This had to happen for her to be able to trust us again. To open up to you."

"She thinks she's not good enough for me." Edward said it out loud, unable to keep a slightly hysterical tone from his voice. "She thinks that this is all her fault."

"Edward...you just need to give her some space." Alice said, and involuntarily glanced over at Rosalie. Immediately suspicious, Edward turned to look at his other sister, who was on the window seat, staring out at the sunrise, she looked pensive, but her mind was blocked to him at the moment. He didn't pry, he knew that he'd given her food for thought, that she was starting to understand Bella, probably better than the rest of them.

"Come on, Edward. Let's hunt. Jasper and Carlisle will be back soon. Bella will soon feel better, and you will need the strength to be there when she needs you."

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Bella stared at herself in the mirror. She'd showered three times, she'd gotten all dressed up and put her make up on, and then thrown a fit and washed it all off, choosing the sweats she'd woken up in when she'd arrived here. The only person she'd seen today was Esme, who had brought her meals, expressing sympathy through her eyes but not lingering long enough to express it in words. Bella was glad. Esme seemed the least threatening somehow. She looked gaunt, and that was a pretty good work for how she felt as well. Gaunt...ghostly...hollow...almost invisible. Her body ached for cigarettes and her mind ached for release. She needed a hit, a pick me up...something. More than ever. She was at ground zero and she was having to do it dry.

There was a tapping on the door. She ignored it, there was a more incessant knocking, which increased in volume as Bella stalked to the door and ripped it open.

Rosalie was standing there, looking annoyed. She glared at Bella and then sighed.

"How long does it take to answer a door?" She was muttering. "I knew humans were slow and everything but Christ."

"What do you want Rosalie?" Bella snapped.

Rosalie stared at her, hesitating, then scowled and rolled her eyes. "To talk."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Look, I know this is hard for you...going through all this with my stupid brother just downstairs hearing everything...I...look," She scrunched her face up in irritation. "I want to help you. Be your friend. I brought a peace offering." She held out the items she was holding, and Bella stared at them, wondering whether she was finally going crazy, or whether Rosalie was actually the answer to her prayers. After every they'd been through...it was _Rosalie_ who came through for her?

Rosalie was holding cigarettes. Two fucking packs. And a bottle of vodka. Bella twisted her head to the floor and saw that there was a bag containing more alcohol...and possibly more cigarettes.

"It's all strictly legal tender." Rosalie said quickly. They both knew what Edward would have done if Rosalie had brought drugs into the house. "Look...I know this is lame but I guess, I'm offering a girly night? Only if you want to and everything."

All Bella could do was stare.

**A/N: Okay...tell me what you think? It seemed obvious somehow – Rosalie would be the only one to understand her, right? I think I might actually make some jokes in the next chapter...bit of lighthearted fun? Not silly enough to ruin the story...good? Bad? Should Bella tell her to fuck off? Should she let Rosalie in? Opinions?**


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